Monday, 21 December 2009

Mrs Who?

This evening I have purchased the Christmas 2 week edition of the Radio Times. After a quick flick through I discovered - and complained in an irritated fashion about - the fact that BBC2 on Christmas day has 2 programmes on at prime time (9pm and 10pm) that we watched just last night. Immediately I started to gurn and chunter and winge about 'repeats' and 'license fees'.

It was then with abject horror that I realised I had turned into Mrs Middle-class Middle aged Twat from the home counties.

Please somebody shoot me :)

Friday, 11 December 2009

Crapberry


I have just ordered my new phone. Apparently my contract phone was due for an upgrade about 8 months ago.  Shame that Vodaphone neglected to inform me of this (..yes - I know - it's my responsibility to remember these things - but I have all on these days remembering what day it is). Anyway I have ordered a Crapberry. I had one before when I worked within the realms of madness and people would send me shitty e mails at stupid o clock telling me off for being crap at something - and I vowed never to have another one. But my life is much calmer now - and my e mail traffic consists mainly of love messages from my beautiful daughter, and 'hi - how are you doing?' messages from old friends, together with e mails from Posselq during the day...all of which are lovely to receive. I also get "spend more" e mails from e bay and Amazon - non of which I mind because I tell myself that these people are my friends(!).

I have also noticed that a lot of my facebook friends are updating their status's via blackberry - and I figured I'd get myself a piece of that action!

It is also 3G which means that it will work up here in Sheepsville. Oh yes - my contract is better and cheaper - ie more minutes for less spondoolies. It also has free web browsing which means I can google  the answers when I'm stuck at the pub quiz - which is NOT CHEATING - oh no - it's called 'being creative'.

It's arriving on Monday. It'll be three years on Friday before I've worked out how to use it :)

Jesus

A soap in the shape of Jesus was being sold by BHS. A catholic couple complained. Not because the soap was in the shape of Jesus - but because the writing on the box said that the soap would 'Wash away your sins". Classic! The product has now been withdrawn!

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Winter

The winter is well and truly here. Yesterday my car was white over with frost when I went to set off for work. Short days and long nights, chilly mornings and freezing evenings.  It's nearly Christmas and that is always a time for reflection for me. Another year has passed and a lot has changed in the last twelve months. Some good, and some not so good.

Can't wait to see what next year brings.....

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

More strings on my bow

Now that I no longer have a horse - and am therefore not busy with equine 'stuff' at evenings and weekends - I need something to replace the activity. So - I have decided that scuba is the way forward. After doing my initial qualification in Crete this summer I have done a further two qualifications (30m and dry suit).  Posselq and I have enjoyed a lovely week's diving in the Red Sea too.

I have now decided that I quite like being a fish - and because I never do anything by halves - I am now moving towards my Divemaster qualification. This involves the next two weekends - getting up at stupid o'clock (my course on Saturday begins at 6am - 40 miles away - so a 4.30am start is on the cards) to complete my 'Rescue Diver' qualification - then I have to do loads of study, exams and diving to qualify as a Divemaster - which is like an assistant teacher. I think it's the element of telling people what to do which appeals!!!!

The whole process should take about 6 months - but with this qualification I would be able to go and work in dive centres anywhere in the entire world! Not that I want to do that - but you never know!

It's nice to have more strings to my bow.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Accountants

I have just spent the day with two accountants. Not one - which would be torture enough - but two. Now that they have gone from this place I have the urge to do something very naughty. Accountants don't laugh, they find it hard to even crack a smile - but get them talking about the merits of different coloured pens, and stamps, and the features of Microsoft Excel - and well, there's no level of excitement like it. I now know where Nick Park got his ideas for Wallace from. During the conversation it transpired that both of them - (although one would have been bad enough) - still live at home with their mothers. These weren't young men - no - If I were a betting girl I would lay odds on both of them being the wrong side of 45.

If I were a betting girl I would also put money on the fact that neither of them had ever spent any time investigating girl's pants (occupied or otherwise). Which is a bit of a shame. Maybe I should start a charity......."Sticky Girl's pants for Accountants".

Christian and I have a comment for people such as these....'I bet they're lots of fun with no clothes on.." You get my drift?

My lovely daughter is studying accountancy at the moment - and I need to tell her to stop right now before she goes and buys a train set, starts to wear sleeveless grey pullovers, or begins to take a packed lunch in a tupperware container - complete with tiny individual tupperware salt and pepper pots (I kid you not).

I am going home shortly and when I get there I am going to stick pins in my eyes.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Cliff Rocks!


Back in April I bought my Mum and her lovely twin sister (Aunty Mimi) tickets to see Cliff Richard and The Shadows at Sheffield Arena. I also bought a ticket for me so that I could see their little faces light right up when he sang 'Summer Holiday' and 'Living Doll'. Because I have now started work (groan) I couldn't make the concert and donated my ticket to their cousin...aka Auntie Catherine.


Yesterday I got a parcel. It contained the tour CD, a tour t-shirt and a fabulous - if exceedingly naff pen - which has the faces of the band - and Cliff - on the lapel clip. These things are uber fab and I love them. I have had the CD on in the car this morning - turned up REALLY loud ...."Got myself a crying, walking, talking....liv...ing do.......ll"!!!!

I haven't quite got to the stage where I would wear the t-shirt in public - but you can be sure I'll be using the pen the very next time I write a cheque out in 'Poundland' !!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Clever Dan!

Great News - My special bright shiny beautiful clever sparkly amazing daughter has won a prize in her graduation at University!!! Oooh get her! She won the prize for being the 'Top Student' on her course. She gets her brains from her mother you know ;)

I am very proud.

Cosmo Smallpiece


There's not really a lot happening around here at the moment - nothing funny or exciting anyway. The latest news from the Domestic Goddess front is that I have recently made Chicken Balti pies again, created some Pineapple jam, helped Posselq pickle some eggs(!), the chickens are still laying, Millie has a new dogwalking-lady friend (and God knows where they go but you've never seen or smelt a scruffier dog)....my ear has gone blocked again and requires some attention of the syringing variety - however getting an appointment at the Doctors when you're working 9-6 every day is a bit of a challenge.....oh yes - and my eyesight is getting crappier by the day. I'm off to get them tested on Saturday - but suffice to say that my specs have stopped working - and new lenses are required. Soon I'll be looking like Cosmo Smallpiece (if you don't know who he is I suggest you Google him) with bottle-bottom lenses.

Christmas is approaching faster than a speeding bullet - and so there's all of that festive palaver to get involved in.......'Ho Ho Ho'......and today my new thermal underwear arrived at work by the wonders of Internet Shopping and DHL, so off I popped to the ladies loo, put them on and was toasty for the rest of the day...no more shivering for this girl at the coal face. Oh No! I have to report that they're not up to my usual sexy frilly undies standard - but you know what? I don't care...warmth is everything right now! They go very nicely with my new brushed cotton PJ's!

So - to summarise - we have new warm undies, a blocked ear'ole, new PJ's, enough Pineapple jam to float a boat (or rather - sink a boat), a stinky knackered dog, a jar of slowly pickling eggs, and we're looking at getting a Labrador and a white stick!

Good round 'ere...'innit? (pardon?)








Grovelling

I am so very very sorry....that apology goes to all my regular readers - a few of whom have complained about the distinct lack of blogging of late. What can I say? Apart from the fact that I have been a tad busy with my new job - and then when I get home I have chores to do...cooking dinner, doing the laundry, tending to livestock (Posselq isn't in that category!) and doing my Piano practise, then I have to go to bed and get up the next day and do it all again. Leaves little time for musings of the random variety.

Let me have a wee think - and I'll be back in a bit with something interesting (or not) to say :)

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Jordan


Where have you been? Well - as you can see from the picture - I've been to the Middle East! Jordan to be precise on a lovely diving holiday with Posselq. We went for 7 days - and dived twice a day for 6 days. We saw all kinds of critters under the water and had a fab fab fab time. I must have behaved because Posselq didn't try to drown me even once. That in itself is a big surprise - he had every opportunity.

We saw so many creatures under the sea - too many to list - but the best
was a huge Moray eel lurking in its cave - complete with the skeleton of its latest meal right outside the door! The eel's head was as big as my thigh (thank you - I know that means it was huge).

I have to tell you that getting in and out of a skin tight rubber suit twice a day wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done - (in future I'll leave that particular fetish alone!) and to begin with I struggled with my buoyancy - but by the end of the week I was floating about like Jacques Cousteau......




Friday, 16 October 2009

Working 9 'till 5...trying hard to make a livin' !

Oh my God - I'm now back in the world of work. I landed there from a great height on Wednesday morning with my first day in my new job!!! I have now done three days and so far haven't lost my sanity.

Seriously - my new job is quite cool. I am working for a brand new Commercial Property Agents and my role is that of Office Manager / PA. My desk is new, my chair is new and my PC is a brand new shiny - all singing - all dancing Mac - for which I am eternally grateful. Our offices are in a really lovely location in what used to be a dairy farm on a National Trust Property called Upton House. So when I look out of my window I am gazing straight out onto a field full of sheep. It's truly lovely - and what's more it's only a twelve minute drive from our house - so I leave for work at 8.40am, and after finishing at six pm, get home again at 6.15.

I work with / for two gentlemen - one is a surveyor, the other is a businessman - and at the moment I am busily setting up their office systems etc.

So this week I've done three days work - and then am getting my first week's holiday as Posselq and I are off to Jordan next Tuesday for a week of scuba diving in the Red Sea.

Sounds good - doesn't it?

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Man flu - swine flu - Posselq flu!

Poor Posselq has had man-flu this week. At first he thought it was swine-flu. That's what he was looking up on t'internet at 2.30am on Wednesday morning when I woke up to find he wasn't laid next to me. I was convinced he'd sneaked downstairs to look at porn on the 'net - but alas no - he was on the NHS website!!! How sad is that????

As soon as I woke the next morning he told me he wasn't going to work - so that meant it was serious - Posselq would have to have a leg hanging off before he would willingly miss work. At this point - had he been Canine, Bovine Equine or Feline I would have called out the vet and asked him to bring his despatching kit.

I dutifully popped down to Boots to fetch a thermometer and some medicines. When I got home the thermometer wouldn't work (what a waste of £14.99 - and time - somebody could have died) so that meant another trip out - this time to Tesco where I managed to find a "Mr Sneezy" strip thermometer for children's foreheads. That'll do nicely!!!

I arrived back home and ran upstairs to the patient - we took his temperature - only to discover that it was normal!!!!

Anyway after three lemsip sherbert lemons - poss decided he was feeling up to the drive to Leeds and duly set off. He stayed away overnight with ne'er a complaint and came home again on Thursday. He did say he felt a bit chilly and so went to pop on his thermal undies before we nipped to Tesco (in the tundra), but all in all he's on the mend now thank goodness.

For a minute back there I thought we might lose him.

Update - I know he's better now as he's flouncing round the kitchen a la Keith Floyd making a god-awful mess!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

On the dole!

I've just been to the job centre. Apparently as I'm 'looking for work' I am entitled to 'Job Seeker's Allowance'. Back in the day this was called dole money - but now it has a much fancier title. To qualify for this government funded gift you have to be seeking work - which I am - so I am therefore entitled to some sixty-odd quid per week for my trouble. I'm not going to say no - now am I?

Anyway - my visit and subsequent interview was a tad traumatic. Firstly the place was full to bursting with pikeys. No offence to the mass unemployed - but one glance would tell you why the majority of them are unemployed. I know I'm a bit of a snob (no? really? you're kidding - right?)

I was a wee bit discombobulated to discover that the job centre has had an interior designer in to give it a kind of make-over. Designer carpets, fancy desks, up to the minute electronic notice boards - all a bit worrying if you ask me...I would have thought it would be better if they were grey and institutionalised - a bit like an open prison - and I would have them turn the thermostat right down - it needs to be chilly? right?...but no - it's very comfortable, I could have stayed all day! (if you pay income tax - you should be weeping right now!)

Anyway - my interviewer - was a wee bit amazed when I told her I had applied for more than 6 jobs in the last week and had been for three interviews - I get the feeling that most 'customers' don't manage that in six months - let alone six days.

She asked me what kind of job I was after - Office Manager, PA - that kind of thing.....imagine my surprise when she printed off the details for a night time shelf stacker in a well known supermarket!!! Beggars can't be choosers it seems.

I didn't think it was prudent to mention that I won't actually be able to make my next signing on date, as I'm going to be away on holiday!!! (ouch).

Needless to say once the interview was over I made a hasty exit - came home and spent half an hour in our fumigation chamber. I have set myself a goal to get a job wthin the next 2 weeks so I never have to go there again!

Monday, 5 October 2009

Perception

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
the violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly.. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:
The musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theatre in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:  If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made... How many other things are we missing? 
 

Dr Drill

This afternoon has been grave. Very grave indeed. I have been to see 'Dr. Drill' the dentist. Whilst I was on my scuba course the other week I grew a very impressive abscess in my gum and finally decided to not leave my dental well-being to fate any longer - but rather to put my money where my mouth is (loving these puns!) and make the call. 

My new dentist is called Lana and she's very nice. When I walked in today I promptly burst into tears (the fear was making my hands sweat and my heat beat that little bit too fast!) - and she was very kind to me!!!!! She took ages to explain what she was going to do and how long it would take etc. She promised not to hurt me and suggested that I hum a tune while she did the drilling as this would help me relax. 

It had to be Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of Life" - what else could it be?

Anyway - I have my root canal drilled, cleaned, disinfected and temporarily filled - and I have to go back after our holiday to have it completed. I am pleased to report that it didn't hurt a bit - and now that I know that - next time I will be much more relaxed.

I am now dribbling when I drink anything and I have just bitten my tongue whilst eating half a cheese sandwich!

Latest news - read all about it !!!!

I've just had a message on Facebook from my beloved daughter asking me to write something on here as she has nothing to read. I think perhaps she should be reading her university books seeing as she has just embarked on a second degree course at Bournemouth Uni - but - clearly not!!!

I can see that I have been a bit remiss with the blogging of late and for that I apologise. I have, however, been a bit busy!

So - what's been happening in the throbbing metropolis that is Banbury (not by the sea)?

The chickens are doing well - all laying at least one egg per day - mind you the other day we had an egg count of four - so somebody (cluck cluck) is clearly working overtime. I managed to decipher a recipe for Green Tomato chutney last week and created 6 jars of the same - very nice too.

On Saturday night we had Lisa and Giles from next door round for dinner with their two little girls - Lisa is a vegetarian - so that involved creating a veggie burger with cous cous and other unmentionable ingredients...I just don't 'get' vegetarians...although as Veggies go Lisa is very nice - and not at all pale, fainting or ridiculous.

In just over two weeks time Posselq and I are off to the middle east for a spot of diving - 7 days in Jordan (is that a Peter Andre quote?) to be enjoyed - a last bit of sunshine before the winter really kicks in.

I have applied for about 7 or 8 jobs in the last few weeks - have been for three interviews and as I write this am still jobless. I was quite annoyed by one company when I applied, chatted to one of the directors on the phone - went for an interview - and then heard absolutely nothing - despite being promised a response before then end of the same week! I know that job applicants far outnumber jobs advertised at the moment - but that surely doesn't obliterate the need for basic manners - does it? A simple note in the post saying - "thanks - but no thanks" would have been fine - but to just be completely ignored?...how very rude!

Finally as I sit here I am trembling with fear. Later today I am due at the dentist for some fairly extensive root canal work. I just know - despite the lovely lady dentist's reassurances - that some pain is heading my way. Today I am going for drilling and packing - with the remainder of the work to be carried out when I return from our diving holiday (that's if I return - hopefully Posseql won't drown me!!)

So that's the latest news....dull isn't it?

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Review of the week

Well - it's been a busy week. After my last post I spent Wednesday in Sheffield with my Mum and Auntie Mimi - we went to FAB dress shop and I got 2 new dresses for my birthday. Then - on Wednesday evening we went for birthday dinner celebrations with my oldest friends and my Mum and my brother. We had a fantastic meal here and a very nice evening. If you've never been there and you get the chance I would take it :)

Thursday and Friday were spent at Stoney Cove dive centre in Leicestershire doing more learning and more diving to finally qualify as a 30m diver by the end of play on Friday. This was not without hazards and I very nearly drowned as my buddy didn't check that my dry suit was zipped up - and I very nearly entered the water with the zip wide open. My suit would have flooded and I would have ended up on the bottom being eaten by a giant octopus (a la Captain Nemo - you just know it would have happened to me) fortunately my instructor has eagle eyes and spotted the horrific faux pas just before he launched me off the end of the jetty!!! Phew!

On Friday morning I woke up with toothache and a big blister / abscess in my gum. Ouch - it hurt - a lot. I left posselq with the job of finding me a dentist for the weekend -- or Monday at the latest.....then, in the car on the way to the dive centre the afore mentioned abscess popped!!!! Urgh - not pleasant - not pleasant at all. Now I am left with mild discomfort - some nerve pain and the joy of root canal work to look forward to tomorrow - or maybe she will just whip the bad tooth out altogether (it's at the back so no-one will see that it's missing)?? Who knows - but I do know that I shall wimper - a lot.

Yesterday we pottered about a bit then last night we went to a marquee in the middle of a field for Wendy's wedding party. Wendy is our cleaning lady and she is so lovely. When I first moved here she was the only person I knew apart from Posselq and she was always very friendly towards me. Anyway - she's now married to Robert and I hope that they'll be very happy together.

So a quick week review - I'm a year older than I was this time last week - a super scuba - ist, I have two new frocks, an appointment for root canal work - our cleaning lady got married and I didn't drown. Fab X

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Scuba Course in a gravel pit - day one!

Oh My God - look at my hair!!! This scuba business is not condusive to looking glamorous - by any means. This picture was taken at the end of the day after three dives in the freezing cold water of a skanky gravel pit in Leicestershire - where the visibility was about three feet. Just enough to spot the sunken submarine seconds before I crashed into it. It was an eventful day. I learned that diving in the UK is not a pleasure leisure activity. I also learned that I don't like to be cold - not too bothered about the odd chill - but when my hands stop working and I can't do the simplest of tasks with them I am not a happy bunny :) I also realised that I remembered my basic training and when my dive buddy kicked my regulator out of my mouth while I was about 20 metres (that's over 60 feet - crikey!!) underwater - I didn't panic........oh no....not me.....cool as a cucumber (despite the very real risk of drowning) I did the drill - recovered it - and popped it straight back in my mouth again without batting an eye. I must have learned something then!!! I also learned that my buoyancy is not that good and it's not really that funny when your dry suit feet inflate and you end up hanging upside down in the water!!! (reminded me of when I abseiled - head first - down the side of The Grosvenor House Hotel in Sheffield for charity a few years ago!!!) Not once - but over and over again - to the point where the instructors were laughing at me and decided to christen me 'fruit bat'....I really need some leg weights!!!

All in all a good day - and I am now a qualified dry suit diver. More to come on Thursday and Friday - I can't wait!!!! Brrrrrrr x

Monday, 21 September 2009

Pictures

When I report to the Scuba school tomorrow I have to take 4 passport photographs. I think it's so that they can issue your Padi ID card (but perhaps it's so they can compare you to the ugly ones on 'Britain's most wanted'!).

Anyway, I popped into Banbury (throbbing metropolis) to our local branch of Jessops to get the job done. The girl who served me was about four and a half years old - so probably has no empathy with middle aged woman wanting the photographer to 'get her good side'.

It's all digital these days - so they can 'ave another go if you're not 'appy with the results. Despite having spent ages in the bathroom and applying much Clinique and Bobby Brown...I wasn't 'appy with the results. Let's face it - it's taken me 46 years to get all these lines and wrinkles - twenty minutes and a hundred quid's worth of face products isn't going to make much difference!!

Now it's not even as if it's my passport or driving license or anything that may ever be seen - (apart from by some bronzed diving Adonis in some overseas dive resort)- so it shouldn't really matter how the pictures turn out - but because I'm feeling my age and therefore rather over-sensitive - it did....big time!

The poor shop assistant showed remarkable patience - especially when we got to attempt number 7 and I had started to enquire about nearby plastic surgeons.

Eventually I had six little pictures that I'm still not that enamoured with - but in a good light with a following wind I could pass for about 55.

What makes it even worse is that Posselq looks about ten years younger than he actually is...mind you - he's had a relatively easy life (until he met me) - so we'll take another look at him in about 2 years time and see how he's doing - shall we?

I bloody hate the fact that I am getting older - if I have to age (which - unless I can get a gig with Dr Who and become some kind of 'Time-Lord'- I can only assume is inevitable) I would really like to do it disgracefully.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

More diving adventures

This week I am spending 3 full days in a flooded gravel pit in Leicestershire to gain my next scuba diving qualification. I would like to be an advanced open water diver - which means that I will be able to dive to 30 metres instead of just 18 metres which is what I am qualified to do at the moment.

Posselq has booked us on a week's diving holiday in a few weeks time in Jordan - where the temperature will be a very respectable 30+ degrees - but because he's more qualified than me - if we want to dive together I need more training. (Actually if we dive together he could just drown me and nobody would know.....hmmm.........)

I have a feeling it's going to be a bit chilly in the flooded gravel pit in Leicestershire so a dry suit and some thermal undergarments are in order.

Splish splash......

Jam and Jerusalem


Okay, okay - I know it's sad - very sad in fact. This week I have learned how to make jam. All of the readers who complain that my blog has lost its edge will not be happy about my adventures with pectin, hot glass jars and wooden spoon - but hey ho - this week I have an impending birthday and will be 46 (that's downhill to 50) and so I must take up some pursuits which are suited to a woman of my age.


My first batch was strawberry - which was lovely albeit a tad runny - next there was redcurrant and blueberry - no setting problems there!.....then today - after three attempts I finally managed a few jars of plum jam. Technically the plum was difficult - wouldn't set you see - Posselq had to bob down to Tesco to get me a bottle of pectin - and even then I had to add more lemon juice....this jam making is very technical y'know!!! Finally the plum jam set and after just trying some on a scone with a big blob of clotted cream I have to say that it's delicious!
I really could do with joining the WI but I don't think they'd have me. I should perhaps start an alternative WI - where instead of learning cake decorating we could be shown how to beat small children without leaving a tell-tale mark - or - perhaps 'Bondage for beginners'....or how about 'Dope growing in a window box'...all ideas gratefully received. I do know all the words to "Jerusalem".....

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Never ever..........

....put your fingers anywhere near your mouth when cooking with chillies. I look like Lesley Ash !

Children look away now

For goodness sake. Where were the censors! Hilarious!!!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Available on t'internet - Lobsters and husbands.

As I write this Posselq is cooking dinner. It's corn beef hash - but let's not go into that now - (suffice to say that I have 'back-up steaks' in the fridge!). Anyway we were chatting and decided to go onto t'net to see if you could order Lobsters on-line.

For some reason Google - when asked for 'Mail order Lobster' directed me to 'Mail order husbands'. It was so chuffing funny I simply had to share it with you. So - if you want a mail order husband - you should click here. My favourites (hmm yes please) are David and Steven - and I especially like Marcus's hat :)

Friday, 4 September 2009

Seeing stars

Have just been out to walk the dog. We stopped for a while under a tree (with low branches) for Millie to do her ablutions (!). One of the neighbours drove past and waved. I quickly looked up to wave and smashed my head on one of the low branches. Big bump, seeing stars and everything. Baffoon!

Monday, 31 August 2009

That is not a good look for you, dear!


Following on from the previous post regarding the Scuba adventures - my next goal is to qualify at 30m in Open Water. Also - to have all my own kit. To get started Posselq has bought me a wetsuit and mask for my birthday. We got them on Saturday in Warwick - from here - and I have to say that whilst wearing them I look like a complete and utter tit :) Instead of looking like Lara Croft which was the kind of idea I had in mind - oh well - ho hum :)

Holiday report






Rightio - as you know I've just been away on holiday. We went for 14 nights to Chania in Crete. We stayed here. It was really fab - mind you I have to say that the food in Crete was a bit disappointing - I love my food and managed to lose about 5 or 6 pounds whilst there!!! I expected the food to be lovely as it is in Cyprus - but alas - it wasn't to be. That would be my only complaint though. The rest of everything was really lovely. Whilst there I managed to fit in 4 days on a scuba diving course with Posselq's son - Kigh - and we were thrilled when after day 4 we passed our exams and qualified to dive to 18m in Open Water. Now I have the diving bug and am busily collecting all the equipment needed. I did learn how not to dive with a migraine on day 3 - when I had to surface rather quickly and managed to 'spray-vomit' everyone within a ten foot radius - including Kigh and our instructor. Good job we were in water and they could just go beneath the surface for a rinse!!! I also discovered that fish love to eat human vomit - anyway enough about that.


So - we had a lovely time :) Mind you - I'm not sure that neoprene is a good look for me :)

Nipple trauma

Readers of a nervous disposition - look away now.....

I have just come downstairs after a wee nap (middle age) wearing my dressing gown. While Posselq was making the salad dressing for lunch I just happened to notice a hair on my nipple!!!! Quelle Horreur!!! It wasn't just any old hair - no - it was a double thickness, wiry, curly one - and what's more it had two strands coming from the same follicle instead of just the usual one.

I showed it to Posselq - and I have to say that showing him my nipple on a Monday lunchtime would usually bring about results of the bedroom variety - but today - alas not - he just offered (very kindly) to pull it out for me. So long was the hair that he was able to wrap it around his finger.....

Anyway - after he had found his spectacles - he grabbed hold of said hair - yanked it out and promptly twatted me one on the end of my nose in the process.

I love Posselq,  I love my hairless nipple and I do so love being middle aged :) 

My name is Michael Caine......

On Saturday night we watched 'The Italian Job'...that is the proper version, the original, the masterpiece.  I love that movie. I won't bore you with all the quotes - apart from the obvious one of course - "you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off" which Posselq keeps saying at every given opportunity....(In a minute I'm going to have to kill him).

I noticed people in the movie that I hadn't realised were in it - ie Benny Hill (!) and Henry McGee. We had the Blue Ray version and it comes with a documentary where all the actors who played in the film are interviewed - so that was another hour's viewing.

If you haven't seen the movie for a while I suggest you watch it again - it's fab :) A complete romping adventure with humour and the feel good factor running all the way through it.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Home at last - and it's raining!!!

I am home at last. After a splendid two week break in Crete with Posselq and his children I am back in the kitchen with a massive mountain of laundry to do. The really great news is that I have a bit of a tan and look quite healthy and I haven't smoked a fag for over two weeks. Oh yes - and I am now a qualified scuba diver - but only up to 18 metres. I have many a tale to tell about learning that particular set of new skills - but don't have the time to tell you all about that now. No doubt there'll be more later - but right now I'm up to my armpits in muck and bullets - and have to pop to Tesco, go fetch the dog back from the kennels and get down the gym.

Later........

Monday, 10 August 2009

Village Post Office

I've just been to the new Village Post office at Cropredy (pronounced Crop-er-dy) to do a return parcel for Posselq. He ordered something off t'net and it didn't fit. I needed proof of postage.

Going into the new sub-post office was hilarious. It's actually a 2 foot square section of the counter at the village store - I arrived at 1.57pm to be told that as the Post Office was closed until 2pm they couldn't serve me. 

The lady on the counter and I both stood and waited for 3 minutes exactly - then  she moved the massive distance of eighteen inches up to the "Post Office" section of the shop counter and proceeded to serve me.

Because the Post Office section is new and she is just a lowly shop assistant - (albeit a dab hand at serving hot pasties and half bottles of whisky) the poor woman had to consult the Manual. The manual was so large that I had to remove my parcel from the counter to give her the room she needed. She duly found instructions on page 173 - but not before she had read fully pages 1 - 172. It felt a bit like living through an episode of 'League of Gentlemen'.

This is a local shop for local people. We don't want any trouble here:)

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Fatty :)

This afternoon we have been to the gym. The purpose of my visit was to be assessed. My fitness., my BMI, my fat content (honestly) my blood pressure - and so on and so forth. None of this worried me as I am a size ten and have been since I was 15. My lung function is probably crap because of all the tabs I've smoked over the years - but apart from that - 'nowt much to worry 'baht.

Imagine my horror then  to discover that my body fat ratio is 31.9% - which is HIGH! Acceptable for my age is 23-28%. And - quelle horreur - I am over weight!!!!! I weigh in at 54.3kg and should be between 49-52!!! I have always thought I was small and petite and now discover that I am a lardarse - and a chumpa wumpa - a heifer. I am mortified. I cannot leave the house until I have lost two stone - seeing as I'm flying to Crete on Tuesday morning I fear that amputation of my left leg is the only way I can reach my target weight in time.

My Blood pressure was / is fine and my heart rate is exceedingly low - which is very good (my resting heart rate is 53 bpm - and the 'excellent' range is 55 or less) - however my strength rating is below average ...... I am a little weed!!!

Posselq has laughed long and hard this afternoon at my results - and will no longer confirm that I am not fat. 

Oh God - Oh God - Oh God xx

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Viola lays !

Viola - (the little delicate ballerina-like white chicken) has laid her first egg today. I know it was her because the egg is white. White chicken = white egg. Not exactly rocket science - is it?

Javelin

Much squawking, flurry of feathers and fast chicken legs running around madly. Big ginger cat in the garden worrying the chickens. Big stick (javelin) - throw at cat (aiming to near miss) - cat over the fence and away! Tessa Sanderson - pah!

The Journey

Life's funny isn't it? It has its ups and downs, it's left and right turns - it's happy times and disappointments. It contains heartbreak and joy - and trial and tribulations (oh what a cliche!). What do you do when it's tough? You lace up your boots and you keep walking through the forest - eventually you will reach a sunny glade where you can rest a while - maybe share some special moments with a special someone - gather your strength for the next part of the journey. You live, you walk, you learn. You love. That's it really - in a nutshell. No more - no less. Enjoy the walk, enjoy the scenery, enjoy the trees and the fresh air. Bask in the sunshine. When it rains - know that it will stop soon - and that the rain is necessary for things to grow. Remember that it's your walk - your journey - you choose your path - you choose when to stop and rest a while - you choose the direction - you choose when to take the high road - where it's hilly and bumpy and hard going - and you can choose to take the low road - it takes longer - but it's easier. You can always change your route - and you can always change your speed, you can always stop for a while and rest, have a good look around at all the beauty and decide which way to go next. You will get there in the end xx


Sunday, 2 August 2009

Dan's Party


Yesterday Posselq and I drove to the big house in Surrey for Dan's 20th Birthday party. She won't actually be 20 until 15th August - but she'll be away on holiday than with her Dad so she had her party a few weeks early. There was a pig roast, a candy floss machine and a karaoke - as well as about 150 people. It was fab. We had a really lovely time. I can't believe that she's all growed up :)

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Egg - cited!!

Today we had a second egg. When I went to check for eggs this afternoon it was being sat on by Valentine - who is the lovely brown chicken who nearly had her throat ripped out by NWD last week. The injury clearly hasn't done any long term damage - but I'm not going to set NWD on the other two chickens in any vain attempt to 'hurry them up' a bit. She obviously lays her eggs around lunchtime as it wasn't there first thing this morning.

Today's egg is slightly larger than yesterdays - so hopefully in a few more days they should have evolved to normal egg size.

If they all start laying soon we will have 21 eggs per week. I shall have to set up a mail order egg business!

Small, but perfectly formed!


Yesterday was a day of great excitement here at "Free Range Towers". I went out to muck out the chickens in the afternoon - and found our first egg!!! I was so excited!!! I have no way of knowing which of the girls laid the little miracle! I went rushing round next door to tell Lisa as I was so keen to share the news. Posselq was in a meeting and had his phone switched off - so I had to find somebody to tell!
I have duly cooked said egg for Posselq's breakfast this morning before he set off to work. So today - he's gone to work on an egg. I don't think he'll get very far as it was a small egg - (as you can see from the 'comparison with Tesco egg' picture) but it fried perfectly, and tasted delicious. The adjective used to describe the taste was 'Yellow'. It tasted very yellow. Hopefully it's the first of many.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Dogs and Chickens don't mix :(

Last night we took Millie into the garden to introduce her to the chickens. The lady at the chicken place had told me to hold the chicken above the dog's head and slowly bring her down to the dog's level - all the while keeping a strong hold on the dog. Apparently if the chicken comes at the dog from above - the dog is more likely to be wary. Great in theory. However - very naughty white dog (who was being held very firmly by Posselq) - quick as a flash - grabbed a big piece of the chicken's skin and ripped it straight off. It was awful. The poor chicken now has a completely skinless breast (I know - you can get a skinless chicken breast in Tesco), and is feeling quite sorry for herself. There was a tiny bit of blood - not much - but now the poor thing has literally no skin on an area of about 4 square inches. 

I felt soooo guilty. This morning I have got her out of the hen house (I thought she may well be dead by morning) and she is free-ranging with the other two. But she doesn't look happy. We shall have to wait and see how she gets on and if she makes a full recovery - which will involve re-growing the big piece of skin that is now missing.

Bad Dog !

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Chicken update

After their initial 24 hour 'settling in' period the girls are now officially 'Free Range'. I am sitting here at the kitchen table watching them ferret round the garden - and Viola has just eaten a worm!!! Viola is the little white one - and I was told by the lady at the chicken shop that she was the most timid - yesterday that was true - but today she was first out into the big wide world that is our garden before the other two could shake a leg!!

Esmerelda (the black one) quickly followed her and then came Valentine - down the ramp and away. I let them roam for ten minutes then put Millie on the lead and took her for a little walk round the edge of the garden so she could see the girls and they could see her. Millie just wanted to play with the new friends but the girls were having none of it!!!

I can see that the chicken / dog integration thing is going to take a wee bit of time!

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

The girls are here!

I fetched them from the chicken shop this morning. Along with the 3 girls pictured here I also got two huge sacks of feed, a feeder, a waterer, some louse powder (!), a feed scoop and a book that should tell me all I need to know about having happy healthy chickens. I also got a china egg which you pop into the nesting box and apparently it encourages the girls to lay their eggs. Fab Fab Fab!!!

No names yet as that job is going to Posselq - he has the honour of naming them when he returns from his travels tomorrow.

The white one is apparently more 'flighty' and timid than the other two - and that seems about right as she disappeared into the hen house and hasn't come back out yet!!! Later on I have to introduce them to the dog!!! - according to the lady at the breeders they will peck the dog once and then she will know that the girls aren't to be messed with! Poor Millie :)

I had the honour of cutting their flight feathers before transporting them home. Once I was shown what to do it was just a case of 'snip, snip, snip'. The flight feathers will grow back but by that time the girls will have forgotten that they can fly!

They should start laying eggs in about 2 - 3 weeks...so then it will be omelettes and scrambled eggs at every mealtime.

Postscript.....have just taken Millie outside to say hello to the chickens. I now totally understand the phrase 'shit hitting the fan'. It flew everywhere!!!

Monday, 13 July 2009

Building the Hen House

This is the new hen house. Posselq built it on Saturday. As with all flat pack items the instructions were poor and we were left with a funny little fastener that we didn't know what to do with. Eventually we worked it out - and there wasn't that much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The entire build took about an hour and a half and he was ably assisted by moi. That in itself is enough to turn any grown man into a raging steaming neanderthal version of himself - but Posselq coped admirably with my comments and helpful suggestions.

Now all we need are some chickens to put in there!!!

Oasis

Last night we went to Wembley to see Oasis. They were good - I think - but that Gallagher bloke is so miserable and narky that I find it really hard to summon up any enthusiasm for their music - if he can't be bothered to be cheerful about it - then why should I?

It was however nice to meet some of Posselq's friends :)

Pardon?

My bloody ear has blocked up again. This is becoming a regular thing now - is that the way my life is going? Plagued by middle aged ailments and ridiculous visits to the surgery to see the nurse? It has happened three times in as many months...and it's so infuriating. My ear itches - I poke it (from the outside only) and then - lo and behold - it blocks and I go deaf on one side. Janet (the practise nurse) did say that I have a narrow ear canal on that side the last time I went to see her - I suppose I must just accept that a monthly visit to the surgery to be syringed is just going to be part of my life from now on. Next stop is support tights, varicose veins - etc etc etc. Can somebody just shoot me now!!!!

Friday, 10 July 2009

Hen House

The lovely man from TNT (note - not shitty link) has just delivered the hen house!!! I just need a screwdriver and an assistant and by tea time it will all be built. I will post pictures later. I am soooooooo excited :)

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Update

Well - it's been a while! What's been going on? I've been a bit busy is what! Last weekend I went to Wembley with Posselq to see 'Take That' and it was fantastic! There were ten of us altogether - and I only knew two of the others so it was really great to meet new people. The concert was amazing - really amazing and I had a ball - dancing and singing and all that doodah. This coming Sunday we're off to see Oasis - so I'll let you know how that goes too.

We have decided to get some Chickens for the garden. I have ordered the hen house - and it should be here in a couple of days - that will need building (flatpack) so no doubt there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth....and eventually we will have a cute little wooden hen house in the garden with two little hens a laying!!!

My cousin's wife has just given birth to a little girl and they have called her Viola Valentine - which I think is a wonderful name - so I feel we may have to christen the chickens with the same names....can you imagine? Chickens called Viola and Valentine? Christ - this mid-life crisis is really taking roots.

Other news - I got a new laptop......for nothing because I signed up for mobile broadband internet. Sorry - I know that's a bit dull :(

Lisa from next door and I went to do the pub quiz last night and after a tense tie-break situation we were rightfully crowned the winners!!!! The old grey matter isn't completely defunct just yet... It just feels like it is most of the time.

Later....

Friday, 3 July 2009

Surprised?

Yesterday I bought some new tweezers. Because I don't get out much that kind of thing tends to make a bit excited. When I came home I set to work on my eyebrows. However - because I tend to be a bit over enthusiastic sometimes (what? you? Never!) I may have gone a bit too far. So just to let you know - No - I am not surprised!!!!

They should grow back in a couple of weeks.

Reasons to be cheerful - Part one

I've just been trawling through facebook. Quite random - I don't have that many friends but the ones I have are sometimes quite funny. I like the comments and quips people leave on other people's status posts. I love my friends - and miss the ones that I don't see very often. 

Life is short - and unfortunately none of us know when our appointment with the Grim one is booked for. It's not like a hair appointment is it? Can you imagine making that call....... "Oh hi - it's Tracy here. I have an appointment for 3pm today and I need to change it as my car has a puncture"..can you imagine? That would be cool!

Once we've gone - that's it. There's no coming back to fix something - or make amends. No second chance to tell somebody that we love them because we were too busy to say those words that last time we saw them.

Our time here is limited - so I think we should grab every second by the throat and shake it until it gives us joy, laughter and love.

I'm not quite sure what's come over me this morning! (and if that's not an opening for a double entendre I don't know what is!)

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Posselq? - A demi-god? I don't think so.

Posselq is away this week. Not in Leeds, or Gateshead where he usually goes - oh no - this week he is India. Apparently it's almost as hot there as it is here at the moment:)

Because he's quite important at the firm where he works - in India they are treating him like a kind of demi-god. "Meeeeester Johnson, Meeeeeester Johnson" - he said they were only one point short of strewning rose petals beneath his feet.

I have told him to get back here sharpish as the grass needs cutting and the gutters need clearing.... and to bring his head down from the clouds in double quick time - there will be no strewning of rose petals in this house!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

...Never forget....

On this coming Sunday I'm off to Wembley to see 'Take That' in concert. I'm also meeting up with some old friends - so I'm a bit giddy......

MIgraine hell

Today hasn't been too good. I have plagued with a dreaded migraine. I get them every so often and there doesn't seem to be any pattern - but the last couple have been the worse yet. The very strong painkillers and anti-sickness tablets that the Doc gave me last time failed to work today and I was sick soooooo many times I lost count.

I managed to get an appointment at the doctors - and duly endured two injections in my buttock! One for the sickness and one for the pain. Now I just have a mild headache and have managed to keep my dinner down. On the mend then.  The doctor will be a while longer recovering from seeing my butt cheek - complete with tattoo!!

Monday, 29 June 2009

Yorkshire


We've had a busy weekend. We went away for a few days - we popped to Whitby, Filey and a York. The weather - although forecast as glorious - was actually misty and wet!!! Posselq bought me a lovely big ring made of Whitby Jet and silver - very gothic!!! We had Fish and Chips - to visit Whitby and not have them should be a criminal offence!

In York I had Oysters for the first time ever. I have to say I wasn't really looking forward to it - but being brave I decided to have a go, popped the little blighter in my mouth and swallowed it without chewing - as instructed. It just tasted of salty snot. Only once it had gone down did Posselq tell me that the oyster was still alive - oh my goodness - I felt bad. I am an animal lover - and eating something that was still alive didn't sit well with my conscience at all. I won't be in any hurry to repeat that experience.

We called in a pub in Filey to get out of the rain - and overheard a chat between two chaps who were having a post-work pint.

Man one......"You fat c**t"

Man two...... "they don't put bay windows on a shithouse!"


I just love Yorkshire humour.....

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Weekend away

Tomorrow I'm going away for a few days. I'm dropping Mills off at my Mum's and then heading up to the Yorkshire coast with Posselq. We're going to Whitby for Fish and Chips...yaaaay - I am very excited :)

We are also going to some other places but my memory is rubbish and I can't remember where.

I'll let you know where I have been on Monday when I'm back.

Shouty Update

I have a replacement courtesy car. Phew. However - the story does not end there. The repair centre who have my truck (and who provided the courtesy car) went to fetch their broken down vehicle yesterday. Then I received a 'phone call telling me that I must have hit something in their car as the radiator valve had broken off the bottom - ergo - no water - car engine has seized up and now needs a replacement engine - and I would have to make a claim for the "accident" on my insurance. I told the little man that I hadn't hit anything at all and was just driving the car normally - but for some reason he wouldn't believe me. I am now facing a massive claim against my insurance for something that has nothing to do with me. I will lose my no claims bonus if this goes ahead. 

I have spoken at length to my insurers (Zurich) who are in a call centre far, far away (actually in India!) and of course - with the language barriers they are simply not 'getting' my story. They are now sending an accident investigator to look at the car to see if I am to blame.

I am not to blame - the car just bloody well broke down - how can it be my fault if their cars are crap?

I spoke to a friend of mine yesterday who is a mechanic and was told that if the valve was faulty it could go at any time - with or without warning - and they may have knocked it when getting the car off the transporter.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next to be honest - everyone is calling this a 'claim' and despite my repeated insistence to Zurich that I haven't had an 'accident' they are now calling it such and behaving as if I have had an accident.

I have a feeling that this is going to cost me a bloody fortune - and I really don't know how to fight back:(

Help - anyone?

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Shouty

Yesterday afternoon my courtesy car arrived and my poorly Nissan truck was taken away for mending.

I had an appointment at 5pm with a hypnotist - and so off I set. The courtesy car got about 6 miles then started flashing a warning light at me and over heating. I put more water in the radiator - and carried on. It got me to where I was going (just) - but I didn't trust it to get me home again so I called Posselq and he came and picked me up. 

The courtesy car is now abandoned in a pub car park - and once again I am without wheels. I can feel some 'shouty' phone calls coming on :)

My life is over..... :)

It's just after 5am and I'm up and awake. "Oh, do you have somewhere exciting to go?...maybe the airport for a nice trip abroad? or a lovely dawn walk in the park with the dog?"

'Afraid not. I am up at this ungodly hour because I woke up drenched in sweat. That's it then for me. My life is officially over. I have the night sweats, I have the wrinkles, I have the unexplained liking for elasticated waists, I even have a cardigan. I need Prozac.

Seriously - two nights on the trot I have woken up completely and utterly wet through. It is NOT FUNNY. I had to get up because my fidgeting woke Posselq and he has to go and do an honest day's work soon - so it's not fair to wake him in the night.

Any men reading this - if you have no clue what I'm on about - just Google 'Menopause' and you'll soon get the drift.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Thieving scumbags


Talking of cars - on Thursday night somebody used a crow bar and tried to break into mine. It was parked just down the road outside the village hall. Look at what they have done! Fortunately they didn't manage to steal the motor - but they have left me with a big insurance claim and hefty excess to pay - and if that weren't bad enough I have just discovered that my courtesy car will be a Nissan Micra:(

 If I see the thieving scumbags I will run them over.

Grand Prix Day Out


Yesterday Posselq and I went to Silverstone to watch the British Formula 1 Grand Prix. Christian and Victoria were there too. It was really great and we had a fab day. I saw Lewis Hamilton, and the cars, and Eric Cantona, and Tamara Beckwith - and of course - they saw me :) 

We were guests in some big corporate tent with food and drink and everything!! I watched the race which was very noisy and very fast. (Can't wait to hear what Christian thinks about my race review).

Sadly Lewis didn't win :(

That's his car and I'm sure if I had been driving it we may have done better as girls make better drivers you know!!!


Thursday, 18 June 2009

Bankers (or should that be spelt with a 'w')

I have just been on the 'phone with my bank. Contact Centre....hmmmm! Somebody is taking a regular monthly payment out of my account because two years ago I gave them my debit card details. I want this payment to stop - and what's more I have changed my debit card since then - so theoretically (as I understand it...doh!) they should no longer be able to take the money from this now defunct card.

The first young lady I spoke to said that there was nothing they could do. Yeah Right. I asked to speak to her supervisor. He put me through to card services and after much wrangling and threatening to close my account...yaddah yaddah yaddah....they agreed to stop the payments.

Now, I have been known to be a tad pushy when dealing with 'Contact Centres' - but in this case it paid off and I (eventually) achieved the result I was after. However, had I been a little old lady who is meek and mild I would forever more have been facing some random company taking £15.70 from my account every month.

I then asked to be put through to somebody who could help me to raise this issue / complaint so that the contact centre staff no longer give out duff info and fob people off...maybe the Training Department, or a senior manager....at that point my call was cut off.

So this is what I have to say...Lloyds TSB - you are a bunch of cretins - and if I had my way I would blow your contact centre off the face of the earth. Then I would go back to the lovely old-fashioned system of a proper branch with a lovely Bank Manager who knew my name and could help my with stuff.

Sometimes (Victor Meldrew) I hate this modern world that we live in.

I understand about the economics of running a call centre, and that 97% of issues are sorted immediately and that's economically viable and all of that crap - (Posselq and I have those kind of chats regularly!)....but my frustration here is what about the other 3%, and why do these organisations give out crap wrong information. Have they never heard of the concept that the Customer is King? This is MY MONEY we are talking about...and yes I know that I can vote with my feet and change banks - but would it really be any better with Nat West or HSBC?

The first young lady I spoke to today referred me back to the bank's terms and conditions.......at which point I just wanted to tell her to f**k right off.

What about the BLOODY CUSTOMER??????

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

I love the RAF

I've just been to the yard to see Phoebe. The horses are out most of the time now - apart from a couple of hours in the morning when they come in for a rest from the rich grazing (don't want a tubby mount - oh no!).

One of the yard girls told me that Phoebe was being bothered by the flies so off I set to the field armed with fly repellant spray and her lovely lilac net fly rug. I don't often go to the the field and that's because I've had many hairy moments in fields with horses over the years and the possibility of a stampede is never far from  my mind:)

I had just fastened the front of her fly rug around her neck - but hadn't fastened any of the other straps - when the fabulous RAF decided to do a low level fly past. Thanks guys. 

The resulting thudding of horses hooves came from six mares all instantly galloping round with me in the midst of it all. Phoebe's half-fastened rug was flapping around her legs which just made her run all the faster.

I was NOT wearing brown trousers.

Eventually they all calmed down and I was able to fasten the rug properly, give her a quick squirt of fly spray and beat a hasty retreat. I now have a large glass of brandy and am typing this quickly in an effort to stop my hands from shaking.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Lid Lifting

Last night I cooked Lemon Chicken. I was following a recipe - and seeing as I have eight 'o' levels and half a law degree - even for me following a recipe is not that difficult.

Posselq thought not however - and because he is so kind, he decided to give me a helping hand. While my back was turned he chose to add the ginger which was required by the recipe. He didn't think to ask....Oh no....nothing as simple as that. He just decided that I wouldn't have done it (correctly) so made the choice to get involved. What he didn't know (because he didn't ask!) was that I had already added the teaspoon of ginger - about 5 minutes earlier.

When we sat down to eat it I couldn't quite fathom out how the dish had managed to become quite so 'perky'. I commented on that - and it was then that he confessed. To be fair he did look quite contrite.

He is now on his last warning.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

No more brown trousers

I've just had a riding lesson - and 'Stella' - the instructor - has finally given me permission to place my lower leg where it feels best rather than where it is technically supposed to be. Oh my goodness - I can't tell you the difference it made! I can now canter properly and Phoebe even worked into some kind of shape! I have finally faced the fact that my legs will never be like Carl Hester's - no, no, no, mine are short and dumpy - not long and slender!!! (more's the pity).

At long long long last (after about 4 years of trying) I could finally control the speed of my horse in the canter. No more brown trousers for me!

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Another Lisa

Talking of friends called Lisa - today I had a chat with Lovely Lisa from Surrey (originally from ooop 'north - so you can understand why she would be my friend). Anyway - she was asking me to put something a bit more interesting and earth shattering on my blog. A few months ago she complained that my writing had 'lost its edge' a bit!

Well that's what happens when you come and live in the countryside. There's more time to do things and everything is more relaxed - the result of that is that I simply don't get stressed out anymore - so the edgy anger has disappeared and I really don't have anything to complain about!!!

I potter, shop, iron, cook, play the piano, ride my horse, walk the dog. I live a very contented life and so the edge has gone because I'm no longer living on the 'edge of madness'. Figuratively (and literally)  speaking I now live over 100 miles away from the M25 - go figure!!!

All in all I much prefer my new life to my old life - although I do desperately miss my Surrey friends......

Stepford wives at large

Tonight I've been out with Lisa from next door. Where did we go? Out clubbing? drinking Champagne? Somewhere sophisticated?...well I hate to disappoint you - but no - we went to Avon Dassett (next village) to 'The Avon' public house. It's a proper village pub - complete with resident drunk who decided this evening that my new name should be 'Blondie' (original thought processes some of these villagers have?). 

We had two drinks each, a packet of crisps...then I got all excited when I spotted a jar of pickled eggs and simply had to treat myself!!!

We did the pub quiz and came a very respectable third. Sample question......"Who hosted the Krypton Factor?"    (answer - Gordon Burns - we got that one right!).....another one we got correct was "Which two elements make up ammonia?" (Good job that I got that correct seeing as Posselq is a graduate with a Chemistry degree...I would never have lived it down!)

Anyway - a good time was had by all, and now it's time for bed.

Next week we're aiming for first place.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Bridlington by the Sea

On Friday we went to Bridlington for the day. It was to do with Posselq's work. The company he works for were sponsoring a business event (lunch, speakers, and so on and so forth) so he had to get up on stage and say a few words. We took Millie and while he was on a conference call I went for a walk on the beach. (Got told off by the beach warden for having a dog on there between April and October!!).

At lunch I sat next to and chatted with Tracy Edwards MBE and she was great. I really liked her. She did a presentation after lunch about her life - the sailing, the bankruptcy, the future.... and very good it was too - quite inspirational and all.

Also present was John Cleese and he spoke in the afternoon. Apparently it was great - but I wouldn't know as I fell asleep and missed most of it (middle age dear?).

Then - after the event - we went and had a fish supper at a sit down restaurant (bread and butter, nice pot of tea) and then came home.

I bought a stick of rock for Dan x

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Golden Wedding

My lovely Auntie Mimi (Mum's twin sister) and her husband, Uncle David celebrate 50 years of marriage this coming weekend. I think that's a bit incredible to be honest - and a heck of an achievement. If My Mum and Dad were still married they too would be celebrating as they had a double wedding back in '59. (Not much chance of that though seeing as my Dad is a bit of a dick and threw over his marriage to my lovely Mother chasing a bit of strumpet back in 1981....mid life crisis?) Ho hum.

My Uncle David said to me on the 'phone earlier today that he could have murdered two people and what with time for good behaviour would be out by now!!!

Anyway - I just wanted to publicly congratulate them both. In a public forum - so to speak - ie. my blog! So well done Uncle David and Auntie Mimi. You have been fantastic Godparents to me and I have loved you both all my life.

Many Many Congratulations. Mwah Mwah x


Invented by Tracy ..........

Yesterday I was quite creative. I did some sewing and made something very very nice to wear. Then, at dinner time I created a new vegetable dish - not the white porcelain vegetable dish - but a new edible vegetable dish. Here is the recipe...

Half a red cabbage - sliced into pieces approx 1/2 inch thick

A dozen dried Prunes

2 dozen dried Cherries

1 medium size apple (Golden Delicious or Granny Smith)


Cook the red cabbage in boiling water (to which you have added half a tablespoon of sugar) until it is almost done (about 12 minutes). Five minutes before it's done - throw in the prunes (chopped into 1cm size pieces), cherries and the apple (Cut into 2cm pieces - no need to peel).

Strain the cabbage, apple, cherries and prune bits and place into a preheated baking dish. Liberally sprinkle with best Olive oil and add (sprinkle liberally) another half tablespoon of sugar.

Place into a hot over (180 deg c) and cook for another 20 minutes.

The sugar caramelizes onto the cabbage / fruit mixture, and the resulting taste is delicious.

We had this with Pork steaks and some roasted new potatoes.

DELISH DISH!!!


Tuesday, 2 June 2009

She certainly is!

Alzheimers


I completely forgot to mention that Phoebe and I won a rosette in Saturday's dressage competition at the yard! It's very pink and very nice. As you can see we came 6th. Please don't ask how  many entrants there were.

Bad Back

Thierry Henry has reportedly been suffering from sciatica. If he wants to pop down here I'll give him a back rub:) Va Va Voom!

What have you done today?

When Posselq is away he always calls me. When he calls he asks me what I've been doing! Often I am at a loss as to exactly what I've been doing all day and feel a bit of a tit when I have to say..."Oh this and that...you know..." There he is running all over the country, working long hours and being very important and 'in charge' of lots of things, and I'm here at home not really knowing what I've been doing all day!!!

So today I decided to make a list of everything I have done........

Went to Curry's to buy a carpet shampooing machine (Millie wee'd on the carpet at the weekend!)

Went to Tesco...food shopping.

Did three loads of washing.

Ironed .......5 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of trousers, 13 shirts, 11 T shirts.

Cleaned the carpet - after fully reading the instruction manual and affixing the handle which required screwdriver, pliers and adjustable spanner.

Spoke to Christian regarding the upcoming British Grand Prix.

Had lunch and read the newspaper.

Chatted to Wendy (the lovely cleaning lady)

Did more ironing - another 5 t shirts and some 'smalls'.

Phoned the Doctors and made yet another appointment to have problematic ear syringed yet again...pardon?

Booked nail appointment

Telephoned my Mother

Went to the yard and mucked out Phoebe's stable - chatted to the 'Electric Gate Fixing Man' about the merits of a Nissan Navarra.

Took Millie for a short walk.

Changed the bedding (involving a huge fight with quilt cover and quilt - some things never change!)

Cooked my dinner - which I am just about to eat!

That's not all as my day isn't over yet - I still have to do my Piano practice.

I think that's quite a lot for one day - don't you?

Posselq has just 'phoned and asked me what I've done today - so I simply told him to go read my blog!

How many more....

...bent money grabbing MP's are there out there? Surely we've heard the last of it all now.........? Watch this space - I have a feeling there will be more!

Sunny today !

Pizza



Posselq (aka Inspector Gadget - due to his love of culinary gadgets) has bought a Pizza Oven. I ordered him a Pizza peel (shovel!) from t'internet last week and it duly arrived - wrapped up but still looking exactly like a pizza peel............. (how else could they have wrapped it?).

On Thursday night we went to see Nickelback at the O2 in London - and it was fab - so Pizza making was done on Friday night (we couldn't do it Saturday on account of the Grande Finale of BGT).

The dough was created in the bread maker (gadget?) and then the toppings were applied. The oven was hot - HOT - HOT -(so hot that the Pizza stone broke!)  but - despite this little setback the pizzas were lovely.  Shame the same couldn't be said about the dough balls - but they just didn't cook properly.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Richard Clayderman - PAH!

I have just been doing some Piano playing. Yesterday I had my lesson with Martin (Posselq calls him 'Martian' - which is funny - but not very apt as he's quite earthly really!). Anyway - we're making lots of progress. I love playing the Piano and it's something I have always wanted to do - and I have to tell you that I am quite diligent about my practice. I do at least two hours every day - not all at once - but half an hour here, then another twenty minutes there and so on and so forth. Anyway - by now I can do a very good rendition (with chords and everything) of quite a few tunes. (My favourite is "Can you feel the Love tonight?" from 'The Lion King")

My 'instrument' is an electric Piano - but it's a very good one and it feels like a piano - not some plasticky thing with badly weighted keys. It does lots of tricks but the instruction manual is complicated - very thick with lots of small writing! Yesterday I called into the Piano shop and asked the very nice young man to show me a few things that it can do - he did - I wrote it down in a notebook - came home - tried it out - it worked - result - a very happy camper.

This morning I have just gone and tried it again and I can't get anything to work!!!! Doh Doh Doh. So for the time being - it's back to just sounding like a Piano - and I'm getting no help with the automated left hand system!!!! (and that's not good!)

Random

This is hilarious. The latest take on the MP expenses scandal. It's still early and I am guffawing my head off. So much so - in fact - that it's just rolled onto the floor and under the table. A tad more entertaining than the bloody rubbish football match that I watched last night. ....and is it me or does Wayne Rooney look like Shrek to anybody else? Can't imagine why Coleen married him - or perhaps it's got something to do with the huge amounts of cash he earns for not being a very good footballer. I'm sure she wouldn't have been that bothered if he'd worked in a 'Cash and Carry' just outside Heckmondwike.

While we're on the subject (what subject would that be oh Random one?) the bloody MP's and their spending habits have kind of got my goat. Cheeky f***ers is what I say. I cannot fathom how they've got away with it for so long. Doesn't anybody check? They should have an expenses office where loads of bitter twisted badly done to narky little clerks sit with a red pen and dismiss and / or diminish all expenses claims. That's how it's always been in any company I've worked for. Usually some fat bird called Carol (with a hairy top lip) in the payroll department calls you on the 'phone and asks you to 'pop in' and discuss this month's fictitious claim with her. She's been busy on the AA website and has discovered that it's actually 79.4 miles from Bradford to Nottingham - so WHY HAVE YOU CLAIMED FOR 79.6???????? That's theft - that is.

The Government need some Carols.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

1661

My friend Nicola 'phoned this evening. Always good to have a natter. She was telling me about a 1661 incident which recently happened to her. What the flippin' 'eck is a 1661 incident?

Well, it's when you're walking down the street - and you look great from behind. A passing motor car (usually full of youffs - and probably an souped-up pseudo sports jobby) pips its hooter. Clearly the driver thinks that you're 16. 

It's only when they have driven past you - they turn around to cop a better look and sadly realise that you're closer to 61.

That's a 1661 moment.

Welcome to the world of the middle aged woman :)

(actually - it's never happened to me - although I did get the thumbs up from some young men last year whilst driving around a roundabout...the fact that I was wearing huge sunglasses and therefore they couldn't see my wrinkles probably had a lot to do with it...)

Pizza

Today I've been shopping on t'internet. What for this time? Well - a Pizza Peel actually. What the heck is one of those? It's the big metal shovel on a long wooden handle that you use to get Pizzas out from inside the very hot Pizza oven. (Don't know about you - but I'm not sticking my head or hands in there!)

Posselq has purchased a big Pizza oven for the garden which doubles as a wood burning stove when the cooking is done and the Pizza has been eaten. He's clearly expecting some warm evenings during the coming few months. It's quite nice and shiny and new - and yet another addition to the long list of catering gadgets that we have! Posselq has a bit of a 'thing' for kitchen gadgets. If you can think of anything that does anything kitchen related - you can be sure that there is one in this kitchen. Until a few weeks ago there were two ice cream makers - that was until he gave one away to Dan......we even have an automatic stirrer...it's battery operated (oo...eeer) and you pop it in your sauce and it stirs it with no hands - has to be seen to be believed!!!

Anyway - the kids are here this weekend so I can feel a 'Pizza making session' coming on - and no doubt a hell of a lot of clearing up afterwards. Note to self....make sure phone number for Domino is handy!

Where've you been?


I've had a few e mails and messages on Facebook asking where I've been for the last week or so seeing as I haven't written anything on here!!! It's lovely to know that I've been missed.

Well I popped over to Spain for a few days (Wednesday until Sunday) and Posselq flew out to join me on Friday morning. 

Dan and Jan were there too and all the extended family - too many to count - but approximately fourteen of us - a few too many to count accurately!

The weather was lovely - I got the beginnings of a tan - but then I had to come home - my forehead is peeling  and I now have a serious case of what looks like dandruff - but it's not - honestly (there'll be no 'Head & Shoulders' used around here).

I had a lovely time and was sad to leave. Hopefully next time we go we can stay a tad longer!


Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Busy Busy Busy

Been a bit quiet of late. Busy you see. Lots of Piano practice, and Posselq's kids were here this weekend....just now am busy packing to fly off to Spain...."I'm leaving on a jet plane....." - sadly I DO know when I'll be back again - back to the Village on Sunday evening. Just popping over to Cabo Pino for few days with the extended family...it's Dan's Dad's family actually but I'm a kind of honorary member. Posselq is flying out to join me for the weekend on Friday.

No doubt I'll have plenty to say when I get back :)

Friday, 15 May 2009

Advice?

Don't you just hate it when people ask for your advice ? - which you duly give them because you care and you want the best for them - then they completely ignore what you had said (which they are quite entitled to do-by the way) but then have the nerve to ask for your advice again - just so they can ignore what you said a second time. I hope they don't ask me again..........and they'd better not come crying to me when it all goes tits up - which it surely will.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Fame?

My friend who came to visit today went to Badminton Horse Trials last weekend. Apparently she's been spotted on Television no less....she was identifiable because of her pink hat!!!! Fame at last. 

Where's Posselq?

Oh yes - thought I'd better mention Posselq - I've been a bit quiet about him for a week so I didn't want anyone to think I had murdered him and buried him beneath the patio.....No - he's in Germany (probably wearing Llederhosen and a funny green trilby, and doing that funny dance where they slap their own thighs - not averse to a bit of thigh slapping myself but I'd rather be slapping somebody else's... they're a bit weird these germans.....) on business. He's back on Friday. I quite miss him when he's away for a whole week.

Friends old and new

Today has been a great day for friends. My lovely lovely friend from Surrey came to see me today and we went to the pub and had Scampi for lunch...(you can take the girls out of the 'north.)..and we laughed about 'how sophisticated' Scampi used to be when we were girls!!!! In those days a posh meal out was a Berni Inn!

I also heard from a lovely old friend on Facebook - from some twenty odd years ago - last seen in 1991 - this chap used to make me laugh an awful lot - he was from Preston you see - and they're all dead funny up there. 

Then tonight I've been out to the pub (village pub!!) with my new friend who lives next door. She's only lived in the village of Mollington (twinned with Stepford) for a few weeks longer than me - and she doesn't know anyone either - so now we know each other - mind you we did come last in the pub quiz - we were absolutely crap - and I mean crap! But we're going to make a weekly habit of going to the Local Village Pubs around here until we find one that we like...("this is a 'local pub' for 'local people'...we don't want any trouble here")......

Anyway - off to bed now - should sleep well - I've had some gin :)

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

BANG!!


Oops - something I forgot to mention. When I lit the fire last week to burn my smoking stuff I forgot to remove the fire balloon. The fire balloon is an inflatable clear plastic balloon which lives up the chimney and has a long tube so that you can place it about two feet up and then inflate it (non-return valve included!)  It's designed to stop draughts coming down the chimney and making us all chilly!

If you don't remove it - it gets hot - expands and then pops!!! POsselq is always reminding me about the fire balloon...but being a bit of a tit I forgot!!  Well it expand and burst - but it didn't go 'pop' it went 'BANG' and Millie shot backwards about fifteen feet into the kitchen. It was very shocking - but very funny.

I need to order another one from t'internet.

A few feet away....

I've just had a read at last year's blog entries for the month of May. I was unhappy at work and unhappy at home. Some things cheered me up - like a family trip to Spain and buying a new Camera (I really did need to get out more!) but on the whole it wasn't a good time for me. How interesting then how things can change in just a year.

I'm living in a different place - living with a man who is absolutely lovely (he must be mad to put up with me and all my weird foibles) being taken care of, relaxing and being a domestic goddess, and quite frankly enjoying the perfect life. No worries about anything really. I have my horse, my dog and a wonderful home. 

So - the moral of this little tale is - never give up because you have no idea just what is around the next corner. Happiness could just be waiting for you a few feet away.......... I am a very lucky, happy girl :)

Lucky

I am a very very very lucky girl. Posselq went away this morning (that's not why I'm lucky!) until Friday - and he's asked me to book Cinema tickets for Saturday night - and guess what? - I get to choose the film - that means it will be a girly chick flick (he'll probably fall asleep!). However - when he mentioned it he said it was because he wanted to hold my hand in the pictures....how lovely is that? He's so good to me :)

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Jamie Oliver is a "Mockney" Wanker

I've just spent two hours slaving over a hot stove - trying to make Spinach and Ricotta Canelloni from one of Jamie's books. Anyway I'm really cross because it turned out rubbish. It was all watery and crap and everything. Posselq ate it and even went back for seconds - but I think that's because he's scared of me when I cook.

Now - you could say that it's my fault - but when I make something from Delia's books it turns out just fine and dandy. So I blame Jamie. He's a mockney wanker - and I'm putting his book to the back of the cupboard. From now on I'm a Delia girl.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Lance Armstrong? Pah !

Have just got back from a bike ride. Posselq took the time to explain the gearing on my new bike to me over the 'phone so I kind of knew what I was doing. Coming back into the Village I managed to get a good 150 yards further than the "Welcome to Mollington - Twinned with Stepford" sign - which if you remember from yesterday was as far as my little sausage like legs could propel me - however - with the correct gearing I got a bit further!!!! Imagine the hilarity when as I got off my legs simply gave way beneath me and I ended up in a crumpled sweaty heap with new bike on top of me! I almost lost an eye with the brake lever!!! Nobody said this cycling lark was as dangerous and risky as it is.

I want to go back to sofa, fags and gin xx