Tuesday, 27 December 2011

So...on a scale of one to ten...

...how bad was it for you? Mine wasn't that bad - as it happens.

Bro came to fetch me from Whittlesea (not by the sea) and if you manage to ignore the hair-raising driving in his little mid-life crisis two seater sports car back up the A1 (during which I alternated between whimpering about the speed and whimpering because I was convinced I was going to pee my pants any second)(Note to self : Purchase Tenna products without delay) it was a very pleasant journey. I Particularly liked the swearing and flashing lights at other drivers who DARED to pull out in front of us. No..honestly...I did.

We got back in time for 'almost-deaf' mother to put a veritable feast of Hot roast chicken and home-made chips (with lashings of soft white bread and butter) in front of me - in the guise of a feast. Actually it was a feast. A very welcome one. Mother may not be able to hear very well or think that clearly - but she cooks a mean chip.

Xmas Eve morning saw the return of the lovely prodigal daughter. It was lovely to see her again...she's so sweet and kind - and we spent most of the afternoon laid on the sofs...snuggling. And laughing. And snuggling...and laughing. Oh yes - and demolishing a huge tin of Quality Street!

Eve evening was spent at Great Aunt's house. My Mum's cousin To be exact. Her brother was there too. He used to be on the telly. He was a comedian. And a singer. This is the second year that we have spent Christmas with him. He loves to entertain. The problem is...he's not very entertaining...but nobody has thought to point this out. Tempted though I was...I managed to refrain. It wasn't too bad if you were wearing ear plugs.

The big day dawned and I got a few gifties. The very best one was from Prodigal daughter - she sponsored the education of a child in Africa for an entire year on my behalf. I cried when I opened the envelope.

Got marched off to the pub by dearest brothers. Just the 3 of us. First time ever. Gin and tonic. Pissed little sister (me).

Lunch was...well Christmas Lunch. Lots of food and sore belly. Can't really say much more than that. Oh yes - what the say about sprouts is true. Excuse me.

Entertaining Uncle kept trying to hold the stage. Aha...because we were prepared and fore-armed...he never really got the chance to get totally into his stride. It was amusing watching him try though. This culminated in him insisting that I Google his name on my I-phone. You couldn't make this stuff up.

The day of the Box was spent a) entertaining the entertaining Uncle who just happened to be passing by (WTF) and decided to drop in for a quick coffee...lasting one and half hours (he fibbed because you can't just 'pass' my Mother's. It's on a cul-de-sac.)

And then I went to Fi's for Boxing Day afternoon party. Turkey and Pork Sandwiches. Pickled Onions...oh yes...an ex-boyfriend from some ten years or more ago - who still thinks that the best thing for me would be to be with him. But only after I've apologised for all I did wrong when we were together...and then promised to change in ways too numerous to mention. Sadly I decided to pass on this....although a more attractive proposition would be hard to find...(wry smile).

Today I have been out with Mother. In the car. I don't think she knows about 4th and 5th gear as we seem to go everywhere in 3rd. Even dual carriageways at speeds of more than 45mph. Yes...really.

This afternoon I have been doing my roots. Looking this good takes work.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with the very divine Mr Bill Rusling. Wonderful friend of great gaiety. I am very much looking forward to that. Later in the week I am having lunch with the wondrous Ms Scott and Ms Ridall. There will be wine. And laughter. And snorting. And then I shall be having fun and frolicks with the awesome Mrs Morris. I can't wait to see her. I loves her...I does.

There will be more frolicks with Mrs Smith...and then I am having tea with the delightful Briddon family on Friday.

So - all in all - I reckon all of that little lot comes out with a tally of about 11. So - that's how good it was. 11 out of 10.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Merry Fuckwit



Well..it's on its way. Just 7 more sleeps. Bloody Christmas again. I don't like it. I don't like it all. I have just been to the shop and purchased a small box of Quality Street to try and get me in the mood. Result? I feel sick and still don't like Christmas.

Because I have no splash cash...I have bought no presents. I told my family this a month ago. I asked them not to buy me anything - and the money that they would have spent....give it to a charity. Did they listen? Nah. So now on Xmas day I will have to be the receiver of gifts with nothing with which to reciprocate. Cue - embarrassment - cue shame - cue self-loathing. My dear brother just rang and asked me what I would like if I were to get something. I said I didn't want anything - and he said 'I know...but if you did'......doh.

In other news....the lake is freezing. Not literally...it's still a relatively balmy 5 degrees in there - but if you factor in how much quicker water conducts heat than air (about 20 x) you can see why I get so flipping frozen. Luckily training dives only have to be 20 minutes duration...and I'm telling you...if we get to 20.01...we've failed!!!! The divemasters and shop staff are primed to be waiting on the jetty with lashings of hot chocolate. I'm having brandy in mine this week.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am teaching a dry suit course...in order to gain my dry suit teaching qualification. So today I am studying 'performance requirements' a la PADI.

It's a bit dull, and a bit dry, and a huge tome...but we've made notes....and we'll be okay.

My other bro is all lined up to come and fetch me next Friday and return me to the bosom of my family for Xmas. It will be lovely. Oh yes it will. Please remember that apart from our Dan I will be the youngest person round the table. That's going to be a laugh a minute - isn't it? Combined age for 7 people?...a massive 394 years.

Merry Christmas everybody x