Lost item

I have just finished unpacking. I'm missing something! Not wanting to embarrass anybody I won't

say exactly what I'm missing (my Daughter and my Brother both read this blog)...but it's important. What's worse is that my Mum has just 'phoned to say that she's found it......and that's a phone call you never want to take.

I'll give you a clue......it's Leporine. X

Especially for Lisa

Lovely Lisa sent me a message earlier wanting to see a picture of my lovely little cottage. So this is just for her...

Gardening

This morning I have been to the garden centre and filled the two tubs outside my wee cottage with pretty flowers. Aaaaah!!

Just a quick hello....

Ever so ever so ever so busy today. Just having coffee and toast with my Mum - but have done three hours cleaning and sorting this morning and have soooo much more to do. Have spoken to Gardener, skip man and oven cleaning man (yuch). Yesterday Fiona and I spent three hours cleaning ...she did the bathroom and the wardrobes - did a sterling job - she's a star! We did decide that a new toilet seat is in order. I'm not that keen on folk who can't clean a loo! And...the least said about the oven the better. I inadvertently set the alarm off and couldn't remember the code. The police came! ...and eventually the alarm engineer called and reset it all for me - so now I know how to use it. Anthony came round and helped me carry my TV back downstairs, and then we had chinese takeaway.


Oh yes - I also got lovely flowers from a dear pal and some lovely cards.

Just thought I'd let you know that I've had a message on Dating website for a guy calling himself 'Bellend0610'. Well - you just wouldn't would you?

More to do - see you later...... (anyone have any spare time this week - please feel free to pop round...Note: bring rubber gloves and cake!)

Should we doubt his moral authority?

David Laws is questioning this morning if 'we should doubt his moral authority'? This follows revelations that he claimed over £40K in expenses for rent whilst living in his male partner's home for the last few years. Apparently he (the partner - James Lundy) charged David rent - even thought they have lived together as partners for over 4 years.

Apparently they didn't feel they were properly 'co-habiting' because they had separate social lives, and separate bank accounts. They didn't, however, have separate beds!

Does this make David Laws MP a 'rent boy'? !!!

Friday Night

Last night I went out with Jayne. We went to Ranmoor. It's where all the rich folk live! Billyboy was out with his new girlfriend - who is lovely by the way. Eventually we ended up at the Bull's Head where this band were playing. They are extremely good and we had a boogie! The guitarist is Jayne's nephew.

Today I'm packing, cleaning and moving......

Next Chapter

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I am moving back into my teeny weeny little cottage...actually it's not that teeny weeny - previously three of us lived there and had enough space. I am so excited about the next chapter in my life...the possibilities are endless.

I feel better now. Optimistic, full of curiosity and hope, I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.

Shit happens - you feel pain - you grieve - you learn and you heal. And then you're ready to face the next chapter....

....so let's turn the page and bloody well get on with it......Woop Woop!!

Sad

Am just watching the BBC News. It's all about the three bodies found in Yorkshire. They're just interviewing a girl called Emma who's 22 and owes thousands to drug dealers. Emma is on a waiting list for drug rehab...but she's waiting - and in the meantime spends £100 per day on heroin.

Prostitution and drugs. How very very very sad. These girls are all somebody's daughter, they're all somebody's grand-daughter, niece, sister. They all got excited when they were small about birthday parties, pop stars, make-up, boys, music, sweets and toys. They all had first boyfriends, went to school, and had dreams and ambitions. They're just like the rest of us. But somewhere along the journey they have gone off the path. They didn't mean to - they never dreamed that this would happen. They probably wanted to be a ballerina or a princess. Not a hooker or a junkie.

I have no clue how to get them back on the right path....it's a complex and difficult issue. Mental illness, desperation, addiction...people study for years to help to solve these problems...and still the issues remain.

It's so very very sad. To live in such a dark place, and wake up every morning feeling that you need to go out and do that, so that later you can go and do that.

...and now three girls are dead. With a whole load of music still in them. People loved them, and cared about them. There will be more, that's for sure. Maybe not now, this week, or this year...but there will be.

What can we do?

Clairvoyance

Oooooh Clairvoyance. It's a strange one. It's kind of works though. I've been going to 'night school' now for about 6 weeks. At a Church. A spiritualist church no less. We've been learning all kinds of stuff. I won't bore you with the details.

Last night's lesson was about dead people (wow - what a surprise!) We all had to bring a photograph or something that belonged to somebody who had 'passed over'. Of course I forgot.

I had to work with a photograph which belonged to somebody else, of a seemingly cheerful person, who was sitting on the bonnet of a red car. I had to go up on stage (!) and 'read' the picture. When you do this what happens is that words or images just 'pop' into your head.

Whilst holding the picture I got the word 'skip' and my friend Helen's dog came into my mind (the dog was called 'skip'). I also got the name 'Ernest' and an idea that he had a bad leg. I also saw a picture of my Uncle Arthur working in his garden in his vegetable patch.

I told this information.

Turns out the guy was called Ernest, he ran a skip business when he was alive, grew vegetables (and won prizes for it), and he walked with a limp.

Now - I don't know about you - but I think that's fooking spooky.

Lots of Love, Mystic Meg xx

Good old I-Phone

Have just been gassing on the dog and bone with a friend. She said she was in a bad mood. I asked (as you do) if is was her time of the month. She looked on her i-phone and then told me 'no'. I asked why she had checked her i-phone and she told me about this i-phone app. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laugh and laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I laughed some more.

Heated debate

Nearly time for a haircut again. It's a few weeks since I went dark brown after four years of being platinum blonde. I'm not sure what to do. Some people prefer the dark - others prefer the light.

I think I prefer the blonde - but I'm not entirely sure. Let's have a heated debate.

Please vote in the comments section...... (not that I'll take any notice!)

Spam

When I had a Tiscali e mail account I used to get a fair amount of spam e mails. Usually asking for money - or my personal details or whatever. Funnily enough - with my Google account I don't get anything.

It often concerned some inheritance from a long lost relative in the outer reaches of Africa - and would usually be written by the housekeeper! They're obviously sending it to many thousand of people hoping that somebody falls for it and replies. It clearly work because they keep doing it. This morning - whilst trawling the net I found this. It's the best one yet!!! Black hole imminent. Hilarious!

They'd never dare send it to me - because if they knew me they certainly wouldn't want me to contribute to a breeding programme to safeguard the future of the human race.

Hilarious

This is absolutely very very funny. It's long...nine minutes - but extremely funny if you can stay with it that long...

Little legs

This is Little Legs and her Mum. Phoebe and Emma. Phoebe was named after my horse (Emma will dispute that but I know it's true!). She's the cutest little girl around. Very bright and funny. When she was just a baby it took me weeks and weeks to get her to smile and laugh at me. (I think she was afraid). But we did it - and then she never stopped!

At the weekend she took her tiny pony Jim-Jam to a show.

She's the next Zara Philips.

Nearly there

Okay. It's Wednesday. Moving in day is Saturday. I am so excited. Yesterday I went and painted the flower barrels. My knees were killing me - kneeling on flagstones for three and a half hours is not a great idea - next time I'll use a cushion.(!)

Today I have to go and source a load of kitchen stuff. Girl cannot live without tin opener and bread knife! I already have a pal coming round for dinner on Tuesday night - not that she'll be expecting Cordon Bleu - but she will be expecting wine - so I'll need a corkscrew then!!!

Also today I'm going to have a chat with a pal - who can hopefully put me in touch with a website builder so I can get my little business off the ground.

Yesterday I got some kind of explanation about a few things - and explanations lead to understanding - which then leads to closure. This is good. Not entirely sure if it's as solid as it feels right now - I may waiver later - but right now it feels better, and kind of okay.

Sometimes we just do the best we can with the knowledge and the tools we have available. If somebody else doesn't understand us fully - at the end of the day - that's their problem.

I think that's about right :)

4 more sleeps

I only have four more sleeps to go before I am back home. Back in my little cottage of beautifulness (I don't think that's a proper word but it's a word I like). Yesterday I went to see a fireplace man to get a quote for the stuff I need to open up the fireplace. Not too unreasonable I thought!

These last five months have been very tough. Probably the toughest I've ever been through. I am hoping that once I get back home and do all the work required on my little house I will start to feel more settled.

I am quite excited. I'm also sad - because once I'm in there it means that the last chapter of my life is finally finished. Starting over is never easy. And starting over when you have no home and no job is even harder. Especially when it wasn't your own choice.

But we've got there...finally.

Here's to the next five months - please God they're better than the last five.

Being back up North

I've decided just to be me. I will no longer pretend to be cheery and sunny when I actually feel like strangling small furry animals and burning crying children. Sometimes I am a bit of a crosspatch, and sometimes I am unreservedly cheerful, and sometimes I am something in between.

Living down South meant a bit of pretending as everybody is always doing great and they have this false cheerful bonhomie positive attitude thing going on - when in reality they're just as pissed off or afraid or worried as the rest of us. But now I'm back up north it feels much easier to just be myself.

Living in Banbury and being a 'kept woman' meant that I always had to be wonderfully happy (and grateful for every little thing) - after all ...what did I have to be unhappy about? Lovely house, nice man, chickens in the garden, recycling....dull dull dull. No opportunity to be true to myself or be wicked or off the wall - or just be absolutely honest about how I felt......

The other evening I was sitting next to somebody who was a wee bit vociferous in their extreme opinions, and they were actually being quite 'orrid about a mutual acquaintance. I got quite annoyed, and really wanted to say something equally strident in reply...but I didn't. I kept quiet - and then - finally - when it became unbearable and I remember thinking...'You insufferable bigotted rude nasty oaf'.......I managed to quietly say that I actually liked the person to whom they were referring - she was a friend of mine - and in the entire 18 years I had known her I had never seen any evidence of what they were describing. You see I was being 'graceful' and considerate of our host's feelings, and not wanting to cause a scene - and being all southern and polite. What I actually wanted to do was ram the bigot's head down the khazi and pull the flush.

But I didn't - and actually she did shut up then - so the desired effect was reached.

Now I'm back up north I'm looking forward to just being straight with everybody all the time. Telling it like it is. Saying how I feel.

I think I'll be run out of town before long :)

Sarah

I don't care what you say...I like Sarah Ferguson. Not that I've ever met her - but she just makes me smile. She's a bit naughty - but she keeps trying doesn't she? Men sucking her toes a few years ago ...and the lass was villified in the press. Let's not forget the famous Tampax chat that Charlie had with Cams before they were married - in fact while he was married to somebody else. Not sure which is worse - toe-sucking or wanting to be a tampon???? Point being that Sarah suffered for her indiscretion much more than Chaz.

She's been bankrupt (welcome to the club) and then went on to make more money. You could say that she's traded on her connections (!) but who wouldn't? That's her only real saleable asset.

I wish I could flog connections to my ex husband(s) for a few quid - maybe I'll put it on e bay......but I'd probably have to give refunds :)

A night in watching TV

Last night I watched BGT auditions...this guy was quite good and so was this little lad. On the other hand this woman was just plain scarey.

Then we watched 'An Audience with Michael Bouble - which was lovely. I admit to shedding a tear at one point when I did 'The single woman's lament'...which goes along the lines of 'Will somebody ever sing a romantic song to me...?' (Pathetic I know)!

Then - it was Melvyn Bragg (who annoys the crap out of me) interviewing the lovely Victoria Wood. Of course - no mention of VW would be complete without a link to the wonderful Freda and Barry song which is an all time classic :)

The voice of reason

I really really really like this website. I mentioned once before a couple of years ago. I've just been reading this post and I was crying with laughter.

Giggle

I like this. It made me laugh. A lot.

My day...so far

Well...I've been and bought two new half-barrels. Took them to the Cottage. Decanted the soil from old rotting barrels into new solid sturdy barrels. Mixed in bonemeal fertilizer. Went to Homebase. To buy sturdy bin bags.

Hottest day of the year so far - therefore Homebase full to the brim with the entire population of Sheffield buying bedding plants et al as if it's going out of fashion. Twenty minute queue to get out of car park (!)

Back to Cottage - broke up old barrels - put them in bin bags. Broke fingernail. Realised there is difficulty straightening up when have been bending over for more than 20 minutes. Attempted to weed between flagstones where neglect means that moss and grass and dandelions (tough roots) have grown. Realised there is even more difficulty straightening up. Went to pub next door for cold drink.

Loaded bin bags onto back of truck. Drove to tip. Entire population of Sheffield have now left Homebase and are queuing to get into tip. Noticed sign (when half way down entrance road - after 3/4 hour) saying that my vehicle is classed as commercial and therefore cannot use tip. Swore...loudly.

Came back to Mum's. Noticed huge industrial size bins in bin park. Checked no-one looking. Realised there is difficulty getting out of car after sitting in driving position for over an hour. Put rubbish from back of truck into huge bins.

Went inside. Had coffee. Tended to blisters (7) on hands. Sat on sofa. Fell asleep. Woke up. Realised there is difficulty walking, bending standing up, sitting down.... after laying prone for an hour. Staggered to kitchen. Realised buttering bread is difficult when not stood up straight and hands have blisters. Made something resembling armaggedon sandwich. Ate sandwich.

Later x

Bingo Wings

Since Phoebe retired last year I no longer muck her out daily - forking muck, pushing wheelbarrows and sweeping really worked my little body.

Out with Jayne last night and we were comparing Bingo wings. Sadly - mine were much bigger and flabbier than hers (she's younger than me - only by a couple of months - but it all counts).

I've just found this on You tube - and you can be sure I'll be starting soon.

Madonna has a bit of the bingo wing thing going on too - and Shirley Bassey's are bloody awful.

Flap flap flap x

The comments have landed

I am very pleased. When I transferred my blog over to this new URL on Thursday - it was a bit complicated and took a while. Sadly it didn't appear that all the comments had been transferred across. That was a real shame because over the years there have been some great things said by readers....Christian, for example, can always be relied upon to make me laugh out loud with his comments.

Anyway - they seemed to be lost - adrift and cast about in the great ether that is the WWW. I had visions of all the little blog comments floating around like little homeless orphans...looking for somewhere to land.

Anyway - they've landed - and if by some miracle of IT wizardry (Harry Potter?) this morning they've all appeared back on the blog. Cool!

Bedding plants dilemma....

Another beautiful sunny day afoot me thinks. Which brings me to bedding plants. (Neural pathways firing on all cylinders today peeps!). I have one week left. One week before I am back ensconced in my teeny weeny wee cottage of beautifulness. Outside the cottage there is a flagstone stretch which leads to the pavement. Sitting upon this flagstone stretch there are two half barrels.

When I lived there before - these were filled to the brim with bedding plants - and even though I do say so myself - they were extremely pretty. People would stop and stare! No kidding.

Sadly - the barrels have almost rotted away - but I have located replacements.......and could pop and buy them this very morning. They would then need painting - and the soil from the old ones would require decanting into the new ones.....and then planting out with said bedding plants.

The garden centres are full of bedding plants at present - it's 'that week' when they are everywhere - and all places are brimming with stock...but by next weekend they will all be gone - so....my dilemma - do I go and get the bedding plants today while there are loads to chose from - or do I risk waiting until next week - and run the risk of there being nowt' decent left in t'shops?

Answers on a postcard please?

PS - I have no idea who that little boy is

The pursuits of mad (and sad) middle aged women

Today Jacqui and I went to lunch at the Garden Centre. We are, without doubt excellent examples of middle aged women. We chat about all kinds of womanly things - for example...hormones, gardening, husbands (hers, not mine), cooking, handbags and shoes...and many other things.

Today - after a nice Tuna sandwich (me) and a cheese & tomato toasty (her) we went for a wander. We found ourselves stopping and looking (in an aghast manner) at the display pictured above. Not wanting to insult anybody I won't say exactly how hideous I thought these garden ornaments were on a scale of one to ten.....but it was approximately 9.75 (!). Luckily we weren't wearing trousers with elasticated waists - but I was wearing soft soled loafer shoes.......oh christ......where are my stillettos???

Later on I went to Fi-fi's and then we sat in the garden with coffee and fags and a foot spa! We both had a go - it was great......it takes so little these days to make me happy :)

Stuff...

I need quite a bit of stuff for my new home. Kitchen stuff mainly - that's because I left it all behind - but it's a good excuse to get a load of new things from Matalan! :)

I never thought that at 46 years old I would need a new breadboard!...not to mention a kitchen bin. I have made a list which I will stick to the fridge when I get into my little cottage kitchen and get stuff a bit at a time. I do - however need a hoover and an iron straight away. So today I'll be trudging round Curry's contrasting and comparing Dyson versus Hoover. Let the best vacuum cleaner win. (I now have a mental picture of two vacuum cleaners squaring up to each other in a boxing ring - weird - eh?)

One more week

I am so excited. One more week to go. ...and What's more I am thinking of having the gas fire taken out and a log basket put it instead - I can have an open fire!!!! (Mind you - it depends if the gas engineer tells me there's an adequate chimney...but seeing as the house is over three hundred years old - I think there will be an ok chimney - don't you?).

It will be so fab just to be back inside my little house once again. With my pretty little garden, and all my lovely personal things surrounding me. I'll be able to watch what I want to watch on the tv, I'll be able to eat what I want to eat - when I want to eat it - so if I fancy Choc Ice and Chips for my tea - I can!!!!

There'll be some cleaning and decorating to do - and some work in the garden - but I've got all the summer!

I am so giddy xx

In case you're wondering....

Where the name came from...it's from League Of Gentlemen - which is still my all time favourite funny tv programme.

Pauline - who is nuclear bitch and runs the local Job Centre - says it all the time to her bunch of hopeless and hapless recruits on the latest 'Find a Job' course. Realistically none of them have any hope of ever finding a job - but with Pauline's help and assistance - they never ever ever will, and what's more - they'll never leave!

Well Hello!

There you are. Glad you could get here okay - and it's very nice to see you again :)

Love, Love Love x

If at first.....

...you don't succeed - bloody well keep trying! That is what I'm doing with the 'building a website' thingy. I am beginning to understand why web designers exist - and why they command mega salaries. I may have to garner some outside assistance sometime soon.

I'm taking the dog for a walk now...fresh air needed x

George Ventour

George has replied on facebook. It's him!!! I am so excited. Not because I want to see his willy again or anything like that - but just because.....well, just because!

Fasthosts

Hmmmm... well 'Fasthosts' - you haven't lived up to your name this afternoon.

I have just spent 40 minutes trying - in vain - to register 4 domain names with Fasthosts. It's a web service - or you can do it on the phone. I opted for the web service. No sooner had I entered my telephone number...my phone rang - and it was chippy helpful chappie wanting to assist me with my purchase! I told him that I only wanted to register the domain names for five years and I figured I could manage that by myself - but 'thanks awfully'.....

Cut to twenty minutes later when I have gone through the credit card process four times and been thrown out four times...only to find that the domain names I wanted to register are no longer available - because they are registered to me in cyberspace - but not in reality....I bite the bullet and pick up the 'phone. Jonathan (nice young man) tried to help me ...I only want to pay for the domain names.....cannot tell me if the names are registered to me or not.....somehow they - along with my credit card details  have been lost in the ether. Then he told me he had to end the call because it was time for him to go home.....priceless.

Now - apparently - I have to wait for an e mail letting me know one way or another if the much wanted domain names are mine or not.

Company should be renamed as "Not-so-Fast-Hosts".

Bucket List

I just trawled back through time and read this post. I never managed to gallop my horse on the beach, and now she is retired and I have no desire to ever get on another one - that's unlikely to happen. I did have piano lessons, and when my piano comes out of storage in a couple of weeks I may take that up again. Then again - I may just flog it on e bay. Haven't got round to singing Jerusalem with a big choir yet, or visited Paris and Rome - but there's still time. I think I've changed my mind about dressing up as a fairy and going shopping - dressing up no longer holds much appeal. I've yet to read Shakespeare, or do a parachute jump. Seeing as I'm nearly as blind as a bat the flying probably won't happen, and as my memory is crapper than crap - the acting in a play - unless it's mime - is a no-no.

I still haven't driven a racing car - although somebody half-arranged that for me - but never followed it through - so that's unlikely too.

Dreams are great aren't they - the problem is - that they're just dreams.......

Up early?

Look at the flipping time. I've got a busy day today. Fiona and I are having a 'ladies who lunch' day out at Bakewell. And, we are both very excited! (We don't get out much). But that's not why I'm up now. No, I'm up now because my frickin' hormones are dancing the fandango - complete with latin music and I just woke up with a large surge of heat, and the bedding being a bit damp. Before you laugh at my predicament - please don't...because if you're a woman - you'll be suffering it all yourself at some point and because if you're a man - you'll be suffering it yourself at some point (unless you live alone - in which case you'll be suffering from 'my belly has grown and I can no longer see my penis')......come to think of it - if you live with a woman you'll be suffering both.

I was discussing the very same problem with Nicola on the 'phone last night and perhaps speaking about it has precipitated the onslaught of the dreaded 'night sweats'. Well - I wish it wasn't happening - and I wish I was 19 again, and I wish George Clooney was mine (note to George - if you do pop over - bring towels), and I wish I'd won the £80 million on the Euro draw, and I wish my teeth didn't sing in the wind, and I wish that my handbag wasn't full of tissues and mints, and I wish the'One Show' didn't exist, and I wish that Christmas wasn't just 29 weeks away (!), and I wish that I was going to the Caribbean for my holidays, and I wish that I had no wrinkles, I wish that therapy was a) cheaper and b) worked, and I wish that the dating website thing was working and I wish that making a website was easy and I wish that ironing magically did itself, and I wish that some people weren't poor or sick or unhappy, and I wish for all kinds of things.......but most of all I wish that I wasn't teetering on the brink of 'The Change'.

Dear Cathy and Claire (2)

Dear Cathy and Claire,

You may not remember me but I wrote to you a few days ago (I'm not a stalker...honestly) about the perils of homeware shopping. Today I have something else that is worrying me. I know that I probably shouldn't be writing to you twice in a week - but you're the first people I've found who I can tell about my problems without them constantly trying to either interrupt me - or stuff something solid in my mouth. (!)

Anyway - I don't want to waste your time - I know you probably have to pop out up town to a posh hotel to interview Leif Garrett or somebody equally famous...so I'll try not to keep you.

My problem concerns hair. On my chin. To be precise.

It's only one - but it's quite wiry and actually quite long - it measures 1.5cm or (if I turn my ruler over) 3/4 inch. It's also grey. (I am - quite frankly - bordering on the suicidal)

Do you think I should pluck it out (there's a rumour that it may grow back thicker and stronger and so very soon it will resemble a baby conger eel), or wax it - mind you I don't relish the idea of hot wax burns on my lower face. I could use Immac - but I'm a bit afraid as the last time I used that particular product I suffered second degree burns to my tuppence. I could simply pluck out the offending strand - but my tweezers are only made from tensile steel and I fear they may just not be strong enough. I am also worried about the pain. I simply don't do pain:)

Your speedy reply would be much appreciated because I'm hoping to kiss a boy on Friday and I would hate for the errant hair to get tangled in his brace.

Yours hopefully


Tracy x

Rightio....

Have just a blether with the divine Nicola from Twickers on the dog and bone. Nicola is another northern girl down south - although she's been down south for more years than you can shake a stick at. We worked together in the halcyon days of IAP, and she was always trying to get me to walk up stairs (3 flights) instead of taking the lift - it never worked :) She once knicked my fags and lighter - again- another attempt a 'turning Tracy healthy' which failed miserable - but not for want of effort on her part. She tried so hard!

We've been laughing at women's matters - which I'm not going to go into in any detail - but suffice to say it involves hormones, night time temperature fluctuations, shouty issues and Oil of Evening Primrose. (It comes to us all Ladies...it's just a matter of time).

I was telling her about my ideas for a little business - and as soon as I mentioned it she said "Oooooh yes - I can just imagine you doing that". Seeing as the ideas for a little business are only in the embryonic stages - I'm not going to tell you about them on here - I'll wait until it's all a bit more certain.

What I can tell you is that the 'idea for a little business' involves a web site - and therefore web site design and build. That's not something I've ever done before - so today I had to buy a copy of 'Dreamweaver for Dummies'. I did think that it would only take me a day or so to knock up a half-decent website -  but having trawled through chapter one I now figure it may take more like a week or so. It's a bit more challenging that setting the Sky Plus to record Desperate Housewives....ho hum...but you know me - I'll have a bash at anything for a while - until I've either learned how to do it - or given up totally and called a little man in. I'll keep you posted (oh the joys of choosing HTML or CSS).

Here come the girls........

Jacqui, Mel, Patsy and Helen

Tonight I've been here for dinner with the girls. You've seen Jacqui before but Mel, Patsy and Helen are dear friends from my Horsey life. They did, however, promise that we wouldn't have one single conversation about neddies tonight - seeing as I no longer have one! ...and what's more, they kept their promise. I cannot, however report on the conversations we had or my blog would be shut down.

We had dinner and wine - and much chattering and hilarity. I always feel sorry for the chaps because they don't seem to be able to re-create the unabashed fun that girls have when they go for a night out. I laughed so much that my sides hurt. The food was excellent - and being up t'north - very reasonably priced. Going out with the girls is always fun - and tonight was no exception. 

Helen, Moi and Jacqui

Memories

Because I am bored this morning - ie avoiding doing things that matter - like laundry and ironing and having a shower and stuff - I have been reading back through my blog. I looked back to what I was doing a year ago. I found a picture of me and Posselq in Spain last May and it made me cry. I hate it when things end badly and when someone who you shared your life with disappears in a puff of smoke...never to be seen again. I still don't really understand why what happened happened - or why it happened the way it did. Sometimes I miss him, and the life we had. We had some really, really great times - and laughed a lot. For a while - we made each other very, very happy...sadly, somethings just don't work out the way you wish they would. Whatever he's doing now - I hope he's okay.

1665

...is how many people have read my blog during the months of April and May. Impressed? I am :)

Dear Cathy and Claire

...you may not remember me - but I am the 13 year old girl who wrote to your problem page in Jackie magazine in September 1976. My problem was concerning unrequited love for David Cassidy and went along the lines of "how will I ever survive is David doesn't even know I exist?" That particular problem continued to plague me - (probably because you never published my letter and therefore neglected to give me anything resembling advice) for a few more months, and then my attentions turned toward Ben Murphy of 'Alias Smith & Jones'. I did write to you concerning this as well - but sadly my letters were never published and I never garnered any advice from your good selves. Never mind - I know how busy you were back then dealing with girls with pimples, and periods and stroppy sisters, and disagreeable mothers, and new boyfriends who were trying to persuade them to allow some panty action. Your job must have been tough at times.

I now have a different problem, and I need your help. Earlier today I went to Matalan. This visit was precipitated by my impending house move. I have a need for housewares. Because I have moved home twice in eighteen months, I have mislaid quite a few bits and pieces. Nothing of any great importance - but stuff like coffee mugs, everyday crockery, and saucepans, spatulas, wooden spoons, breadbins, kitchen waste bin, tea towels and so on. This, in itself is not a problem. The problem is that I actually enjoyed browsing. IN A HOMEWARES SHOP. At one point I felt giddy and had a big smile on my face. I had to take a deep breath and step outside.

Next I went into Curry's to compare and contrast various models of Dyson vacuum cleaner. This was even more serious because whilst inspecting the tools and attachments I found myself experiencing a 'damp pants' moment. I also had flushed cheeks (on my face).

I decided to leave the retail park without purchasing anything...but not before making a 'list' in my flowery notebook that resides in my handbag. I appreciate the seriousness of what occurred and am writing to ask what you think I should do next. If I don't take action I feel sure that soon enough I will find myself pushing a trolley around Aldi - and if that happens - well I don't think I could carry on.

Please reply to my letter as soon as you can  - I am in dire need of advice. It's urgent. I can already feel the stirrings of desire when I secretly whisper the forbidden word 'Ikea'.

Yours, Hopefully...

Tracy x

George Ventour's willy

Last night I went out with Jayne. We were chatting - (you don't say) as we do and reminiscing about junior school. Names were mentioned - most of whom I couldn't remember - but some I could. We both remembered George Ventour (names have not been changed to protect the innocent). I particularly remembered the summer day when he showed me his willy! I was about nine years old and we were walking home from school down the cinder path which emerged onto Hastings Avenue. He just got it out! Just like that! As far as I can remember I never asked to see it (although I could be wrong). I also remember being somewhat scared!

The Ventour family were from Ghana - which isn't really relevant apart from the fact that he was black and that is quite relevant - because it was huge! I had two brothers so it wasn't the first willy I'd seen - but as my brothers were pre-pubescent (they'll never forgive me for saying that) their willies were maggot-like in dimensions. George's was like a tree branch. I remember thinking that it was wrong to be looking - but couldn't quite work out why - but I did know enough not to share this particular nugget of news with my Mum when I got home. I don't even know why it frightened me because I don't think at that age I was aware of what you were meant to do with a willy  (I'm not altogether sure  that I know now). However, I do recall quite clearly that it was the scariest thing I'd ever seen!

I wonder what George is doing now? If that day was anything to go by he'd have been ideal for a successful career in porn movies :)

Update - I've just googled George (for fun) and I wonder if this is him. I've sent him a message on Facebook to find out! I'll keep you posted as to whether he replies!

Update no 2 - I think it is George because I've just scrawled through his friends and found this guy and am sure he went to our Junior school too! Jayne (who has a better memory than me will confirm this - or not!)

Bruce and Smoggy (Bruce Haskell and Kiwi Smog) Badminton 2010

Another picture of Bruce and Smoggy at Badminton Horse Trials....

(for all my horse-loving readers!)

Serious reporting in the Daily Telegraph

I've just been out for coffee and was waiting for my friend - so spent the time reading the Daily Telegraph. On page two and three there was a large article about the new cabinet.....a brief career history of David Laws, Chris Hurne, Vince Cable, Ian Duncan-Smith, Kenneth Clarke and Theresa May. For some reason the journalist who wrote this deemed it necessary to point out (in no uncertain terms) that Theresa May is famed for her love of shoes. There was three photographs of her favourite pairs! I am so glad that the sexist journalist at the Telegraph felt it necessary to include this information. No lightweight reporting for the Telegraph then......eh? I had to check because for one moment I thought I was reading the Sun. Jeeeez!

Brave boys

Bruce Haskell and 'Kiwi Smog' at Badminton Horse Trials 2010

My Father

I haven't spoken to my Father for over a year. The last time I saw him was at my Grandmother's funeral and I think he spoke about three words to me. He didn't send me a Christmas card or gift - and he never ever phones me.

My friend Fiona's Dad arrived from France yesterday and she was really looking forward to seeing him. For a girl there is nobody more influential in her life than her father - especially when she is little  (and secretly when she's bigger too).

When I was growing up my Dad was my world, and I wish he could be part of my world now - but he chooses not to be.

I have no idea why. He's old, and getting older by the day, and he's not going to be around for ever. Lots of people don't have a father, or mother...but I have both. It's just that one my parents has chosen to not have me in his life. I think that's a bit sad. ....and it hurts (a lot).

At long last...

...we finally have a new Prime Minister. I've been saying (because I'm a smart arse) for five days that he had to chose the tories. Well, he did...didn't he? Most votes, most seats, bit of a no brainer, and had he gone the other way the middle classes would have been revolting  (I don't mean revolting as in 'shops at Lidl, and has children to three different fathers...called names like Shannon and Kylie and Chelsea'...I mean revolting as in wagging their middle aged tongues and tutting, and vowing never to wear blue again).

Anyway - I'm just glad it's all sorted out - now we just have to take a deep breath and let the Conservative v Lib Dem squabbling begin.

I'm a bit glad that there's no more Gordon though - his funny face and strange chubby lips used to put me about a bit. Wonder what he'll do now? I hear they need night shift shelf stackers at Tesco on Abbeydale Road.

A political joke.......(No, not Gordon)

A bit of light relief from the political circus
So whether you voted Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the 
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Dear Cousin Stephen

Dear Cousin Stephen,

Thank you for the letter which arrived via Postman Pat and Jess the cat this very morning. We (Mum and I) were delighted to hear from you :)

I'm not so sure about the photograph - as I look a wee bit deranged - however - after the time I've had recently - that's not surprising.

I'm sorry to hear about the black flies - how much longer until they die away and are replaced by twelve feet of snow? Canada sure sounds like fun. :)

I understand you don't have my correct e mail address? Well - I don't have yours either as my main pc is still in storage - and there are no email addresses stored on my little lap top....so here's a plan... (I'm not going to put it on here or George Clooney will start pestering me again...Jeez...that guy just won't give up).

Go to your facebook account - and check your private messages. I will send you a message on there including my e mail address...simples x

Much love to both of you (as always)......

Cousin Tracy x

Chew your arm off?

We (us girls that is - actually some of my male friends are guilty of this too) have all slept with someone that we wish we hadn't slept with. Personally - I haven't done it that often (so many things crossed as I type this!) And we have all wanted to chew our arm off when we have woken up with a hound in the morning light....beer googles anyone?

Anyway my lovely daughter sent me a link today to this blog today. I read it and laughed......

Bye Bye Jackie Smith

Bye Bye Jackie Smith...and I should think so too. Claiming for porn movies indeed! Whatever next! (She had a face like a smacked arse when the results were declared - but what did she seriously expect?) Anyway - that's just one righteous result in last night's election. As I type this the most powerful man in the country - Nick Clegg - is probably locked in a cupboard playing 'Eeeny Meeny Miny Mo' as he makes his mind up - I hope he enjoys the temporary power that has been vested in him this morning! I hope he doesn't backtrack on what he said earlier in the week...we'll see.

I'm not really a political animal - and will readily admit to being totally ignorant in the matters that matter. But I haven't half enjoyed the TV coverage over the last 24 hours. This morning David Dimbleby has been a star - I think I'm in love with him! Mind you Jeremy Vine is starting to get on my tits a bit now.

I also now know where Nick Clegg lives because you simply can't miss the huge TV waggons outside his house - complete with 12 foot satellite dishes stuck on them. He lives near here.  (Another tenuous link to fame).

Can't wait to see what happens next.......

Polling Day

Well - it's the day the country has waited for....Election Day! the suspense is killing me...I've got up early ..not really to watch the election but because last night I had indian food and my lovely helpful digestive system woke me up with a bit of "Oh you need to be nearer to the Andrex bubbling and a gurgling"....you know how it is!

Now I'm up - the telly's on and we're off in this exciting two horse race (albeit with a favoured outsider). For the first time ever I'm quite interested in the outcome... if only to see if the country will re-elect dear Mr Brown (him of the repeated faux-pas and zero personality) or will they turn to 'Mr Slimy...my wife dresses from M&S...man of the people'. Some of my pals are staunch lefties - and others are died-in-the-wool tories. So, wisely I feel , I haven't said much - and to be honest don't really have much of opinion either way. I would like John Smith not to have died, or maybe the government should be made up of long standing members of the WI - they would get everything done, nobody would argue, and there'd be tea and cake by 4.30 every day. Wouldn't that be great?

Another favourable option would be if the country could be run by S&M enthusiasts (as opposed to M&S). Imagine that - the House of commons all dressed up in leather and gags, carrying whips and chains...and threatening each other with 'cat-o-nine-tails' in the debating chamber.....it would be a lot more fun! Mr Speaker could be hung up by his thumbs and the back benchers could file past and paddle his backside....how cool would that be?

Anyway - enough prattling on - I've got a day's election to watch! May the best man win.

Happy Birthday Helen

I've just got back from Stocksbridge - look at the time! Today was my lovely friend Helen's birthday so I popped over at tea-time with a bottle of Champoo for her - and ended up stopping long enough for the Champoo to be chilled and the Indian Takeaway to arrive! Nothing finer than Onion Bhajis with bubbles! As always at her house we laughed and then laughed some more. I can't tell you what birthday it was for Helen - but it was a bigger number than 49 and a smaller number than 51. Happy Birthday dear friend xx

Gypsy Rose Lee

Last night I went and had supper with Helen and Ernie (the dog). We had a lovely time - nice chat - some vino - good food....

...then we got out the Tarot Cards. Suprisingly, they were scarily accurate! I didn't know I had 'Gypsy Rose Lee' genes - but I clearly have some kind of gift for the weird (that will explain your man choices.....)

I might have to get a head scarf and big earrings and set up a stall :)

Music - and a night out with Bill

Last night I went out with my lovely lovely pal Bill. We had so much fun as he's very funny. He's also very attuned to his feminine side so he can chat away about almost anything - he was telling me all about his new girlfriend - and we were creased up laughing as I recounted all my dating disasters. Later, after dinner - we went to a local venue to see one of his pals playing guitar in a band - and that was good too. The guitarist's girlfriend was Jarvis Cocker's sister - (Oh you name dropper) and I met her and she was lovely - if a tad eccentric.

Today I've been for lunch with Jacqui, coffee with Fiona - and tonight I'm having dinner with Helen. (I will be getting fat).

This afternoon I have been playing some good old fashioned T Rex in my car - playing it very loud - with the windows down and bopping. A chap in the car next to me at a junction even joined in!!!. You can keep your Lady Gagas, and your weird modern shite - I love the stuff from the 70's. It never dates (unlike me)....(ha ha - that's actually quite funny..)

My favourite T Rex track of the day is this one. It's great for driving to :)

Is that our Dan?

My Mum and I have been watching Badminton Horse Trials on the TV this afternoon. It was very exciting - thrills, spills and a few fallings off. It's Cross Country day today and it's a bit hairy to say the least. Dan is there watching it in person, and supporting Bruce Haskell and Kiwi Smog who she groomed for for two summers. Bruce had a good round - he was live on the BBC - it was quite exciting.

My mum is glued to the set and keeps imagining she can see Dan in the crowd. She's a bit obsessed to be honest and keeps saying...."Is that our Dan........is that her....look there she is....what's she wearing?".

I've had to tell her that Dan has left now to go home because she's driving me nuts x

Great day

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I had a ball. My pal of pals Liz came to spend some time with me and brought her new boyfriend. He's very nice - and she's fab. They were on a road trip to Newcastle and back from Essex in one day - and they called to have a late lunch with me on the way back. We had so much fun - she makes me laugh ...a lot...an awful lot indeed.

Matt, Stewart and Bruce

Then..... last night I met up with these three boys in the pub. I say 'boys' even though they're all in their late forties and all very proper. (I don't think they look their age - to me they're still about 15) Matt and Stewart were at school with me and Bruce became a pal in the 90's. We used to go out as a group every Friday night....and had much much fun!

We spent the evening laughing and talking and laughing some more. I haven't seen them for quite a few years - but it was just like I'd been with them last week. They are such nice chaps. Really nice chaps indeed.

A most amazing book

In recent weeks I have had to change many aspects of my life - where I live, who I spend time with, what I do for a living. Change is always challenging - and it has been - at some points - extremely challenging (that's modern positive speak for bloody difficult!). I've had many obstacles to overcome - and been given much support, kindness and encouragement from the people who love me. I am blessed :)

I like books and love to learn - and yesterday - because of my thirst for knowledge and understanding - I read this book. From cover to cover....all in one day. It's amazing. If you are ever in a place where you're not sure what to do - or why you're in that place - or you simply want to understand yourself more - or you're simply asking 'why'.... I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I'm not going to explain it to you - just get hold of a copy - and read it....twice. It's absolutely excellent.

I want one of these........

Today - whilst browsing the free magazine that came with the newspaper I saw an advert for this. I want one (kidding). I have always been a bit puzzled about 'Limited Edition' collector's things - even though I have a very nice teapot collection. The things that are available are often weird and you just know that they're aimed at funny middle aged people who probably still have flock wallpaper and a dralon suite. There's some very odd stuff out there for collectors. Dolls, coins, little pottery birds, thimbles, all manner of commemorative plates and mugs and lots of other tacky items. But 'Little Umi' is the best I have ever seen. Imagine if you went round to somebody's home and they had this proudly on display.....you would just turn round, walk out and never ever return! Wouldn't you? There would have to be something seriously wrong with you at some kind of base cerebral level for you to find this even remotely attractive. Please tell me you don't like it! Please........