Weighty Issues

I'm putting some weight on. I've actually got quite a bit bigger in the last ten days or so - which is extremely weird seeing as I have only just (yesterday) got my appetite back and have been eating like a sparrow recently. My jeans (3 pairs) are all feeling a bit snug - and I wouldn't like to try and squeeze into any jodphurs right now. My first question to anybody else who was saying this would be '"You're not pregnant are you?" - but unless it was the second immaculate conception - that's not the problem. Despite all I was told as a child I do know that you don't get pregnant from sitting on public toilet seats, looking at boys, or any of those dreadful mythical activities that carry the threat of pregnancy -(exactly how f**cked up were our parents for filling our heads with all that nonsense when we were kids?) - I do know how to get pregnant - it requires some sexual activity - and there are more swimming pools in the Sahara Desert than there is bedroom activity in my life right now!!! (more's the pity - and believe me - I'm working on it!)

So maybe it's just middle age spread? I'm not sure really. But I know that there has always been a direct correlation between what you shove in your mouth (!) and what subsequently rests upon your hips and belly. Even my boobies are getting bigger - (let's be thankful here for small mercies - and goodness me - they are very small mercies!)

Maybe I'm a victim of a phantom 'feeder'. Some random guy who likes his women 'BIG' sneaks into my room late at night, and then feeds me while I am asleep. I watched a tv programme about 'feeders' a few weeks ago - please tell me - how screwed up is that?

Mind you - it might just be down to the fact that I'm spending all my time recently sitting on my backside at the computer.