Friday 26 September 2008

Who is to blame?

When things go wrong - as they often / sometimes do - the first thing we tend to do is get out the huge 'Finger of blame' and point it at anybody who is standing in the vicinity. Eventually we realise that perhaps that horrid finger should maybe be pointing back at us - even if only slightly:-)

When you do the 'blame' thing you tend to sound a bit like a spoiled child. We've all heard them in the playground......"it wasn't was her...she did's not my fault" If we're honest when we hear that from children it's quite endearing - and in our minds we think 'they will learn as they get older'. But sometimes people don't learn and they travel into adulthood and beyond behaving in the same way.

What also happens is that other people stop taking us seriously as they recognise that here is a person who is unable or unwilling to take any responsibility for anything that happens in their lives. Shit happens to us all - you are in no way unique - and whatever it is that you're going through has happened to thousands before you. You're not the first - and you won't be the last. What makes the difference is how you handle it. With grace and dignity? or throwing tantrums and making demands? That's really up to you ;-)

The smart, emotionally aware people of this world - don't even bother pointing the finger of blame outwards - because they understand - at some intrinsic level - that doing so won't help. It never does. To change things for the better the first step is to accept our own part in our own problems. The thing is you see - none of us can change anything that anybody else does. We cannot change the way others act or think or feel - no matter how much we would like to - or believe that we should be able to. Accept that fact and you're half way there !! The only thing we have power over is our own actions and our own responses to other people's actions. Accept some responsibility for your situation - even if it is just that you made some dumb choices - or blinkered yourself to what is actually happening, and / or refused to see things as they are.

So if you're thinking of blaming somebody else for something that is happening to you right now - perhaps you should think again. Take a good look at the situation and accept that maybe you did something wrong - or repeatedly did things wrong over a period of time

I hear an awful lot the same repeated mantra ...'It's not my fault, if only that person hadn't done what they did to me it would all be okay.......I am not to blame here...I did nothing wrong" etc etc. If you do this and say these things you put yourself in the position of victim and that's a place you can't get out of. (well - you can - but it takes sooooo much longer). 

We're not helped in this mission by the new found 'Blame culture' that permeates our every day lives - we are encouraged to blame and then to sue and gain recompense for whatever it is that has gone wrong.

When we do this - we become 'stuck' in the situation and that's not a healthy thing to do or a healthy place to be. 

So - to keep it short (ha ha ha!) - the answer - I feel - is if things are going tits up - take a look at what you have done to contribute to that - change it if you can - and if not - move away from the situation (maybe shelve it for a while and come back to it later) and concentrate your efforts on somethings else instead.

When things are broken - don't look to anyone else to fix it for you - don't throw around accusations and hurtful comments - don't be always looking for someone else to blame.  See if you can change your behaviours and responses and maybe mend things that way - and if not - simply remove yourself from the situation.

Now I'm going to watch some more Dr Phil :-)


  1. Ahh you give great advice.
    I want you to be my second mum! haha!

  2. Ahh you give great advice.
    I want you to be my second mum! haha!


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