Friday 10 September 2010

Boob Job

No - I haven't had a boob job - and no this is not "An introduction to Mammaries" (for our male readers who may or may now know what to do with them - and boy - how annoying is that? - when you get somebody who has NO CLUE....) pinch, grab, nip grope, chew,...NO, NO, NO

(I digress).

This is a picture of the very best thing I have ever purchased. Fiona and I popped into a perfect little shop close to home yesterday as she required support of the adequate variety for her rather sumptious bosom (she certainly got my share, and yours too probably) as she is off to a party wearing a new frock on Saturday night and wanted a lovely brassiere to wear. The requirement was 1) adequate support without steel girders, 2) thinner straps and lower sides as the frock has the same and 3) pretty enough to raise Mr. Smith's temperature.

While we were in there I asked the lovely proprietor lady if she could measure my 'iccle fried eggs as I have never had them measured - probably because there is no tape measure small enough - ahem.

She did (no I'm not telling you the result) and then I asked her if she had anything that could 'help' me. She mentioned Prozac, therapy, Buddhism and a few others - then realised I was talking about my baps and not my numerous personality disorders.

Voila - the product photographed above was duly shown and duly tried on. It has secret pockets which are filled with gel. A product no doubt developed by some clever oil engineer in a laboratory somewhere near the North pole in his spare time (Thank you Dr. Brilliant). It guarantees (guarantees - it actually says 'guarantees' on the label) to boost your boobies by two cup sizes. TWO-CUP-SIZES. No less!!!

I tried it on - and the result was - well - marvellous. I was 'jiggling'. I have never ever 'jiggled' in my entire life. My sad and sorry little puppy dogs ears were transformed into the kind of heaving bosom that a dickensian heroine would be proud of. I was transfixed, delighted and amazed. I purchased. And all for the princely sum of twenty quid. BARGAIN.

I promise you - my life has been transformed. I now have boobs that would actually get noticed in a crowd. I kid you not. Well, actually I don't have boobs that would get noticed - but I do have the appearance of boobs that would get noticed. Not that it matters. (...Trade Descriptions Act ....I hear you mutter). The way I look at it is this...if somebody likes me enough to get my bra off (I live in eternal hope) I'm sure it's my mind and my spirit and my soul they like - not my boobs. and they won't be too disappointed to discover the truth - will they? Besides - they're not going to stop at that point - surely? It would be like trying to stop a runaway train :)

The picture above is not a picture of my is a picture I knicked from the bra company's website - but my boobs do look just like that when I am wearing the wonderful garment of great 'boobiness'. Although my model is in black (you don't say). So any girls out there who may need a bit of 'lift' the product is called 'Solutions Gel Bra' and is available from

Tonight I'm going to my ex-husband's fiftieth birthday party for an hour or two - so we'll see if the new boobies (bra) have any effect on the over 50's of Nether Edge.

I'll let you know......

PS - Before you write in - yes I do know all about Chicken Fillets - but after a disastrous evening at an office Christmas Ball in a marquee in a muddy field somewhere just outside Walton-Upon-Thames......when (during a quite vigorous rendition of YMCA) one escaped my bra and ended up slithering about on the dance floor - I have no affection or time for that particular product :)

1 comment:

  1. If the shop you are referring to is Perfect Fit at Woodseats then Victoria and I know 'the lovely proprietor lady'. Her daughter goes to school with Alice and her husband is a great plumber. :-)

    When I first met Victoria she was enticing me with her ample boobage. It was only later that I realised I was the victim of a wonderbra!! I have to say though that I was in no way disappointed as boobs are always great. :-)


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