Some one I know (who shall remain nameless) works in a care home for the elderly. It's quite nicely run apparently. Bingo, weak tea, dried biscuits and the lovely smells of lavender ..in fact - they almost employed a nice jolly young lady to be the new entertainments co-ordinator - until they discovered she used to be a porn star (you couldn't make this stuff up). I said they should have employed her like a shot - would have been the most fun anybody had enjoyed for years...when word spread that 'Mistress Hard Core' was working there they'd have a full waiting list in less time than it would take to say 'Oh matron, I've wet myself'.
Anyway - back to the plot.....on one particular day the residents had enjoyed a bit of a party. Sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents... and a bit of la-di-da. A care worker was charged with the task of clearing up the mess - and off he trotted to fetch the hoover. Then, apparently, after cleaning the floor he attempted to clean the crumbs of the residents' laps - with a hoover. When my friend told me this I assumed he'd used the crevice tool (which would have been bad enough) ...can you imagine? Old folks have very frail and fragile skin - if he'd have used my 'turbo Dyson' he would have taken their fragile crispy skin right off in one suck!
But no, apparently not - we think that he actually lifted the main body of the vacuum cleaner into Doris's and Mavis's lap and attempted to clean up the crumbs that way. Seriously.
What's the betting that this poor unfortunate chap gets to keep his job?
As for Doris and Mavis - they've elected that he get a pay-rise. They've not had as much lap-action for years :)