So...on a scale of one to ten...

...how bad was it for you? Mine wasn't that bad - as it happens.

Bro came to fetch me from Whittlesea (not by the sea) and if you manage to ignore the hair-raising driving in his little mid-life crisis two seater sports car back up the A1 (during which I alternated between whimpering about the speed and whimpering because I was convinced I was going to pee my pants any second)(Note to self : Purchase Tenna products without delay) it was a very pleasant journey. I Particularly liked the swearing and flashing lights at other drivers who DARED to pull out in front of us. No..honestly...I did.

We got back in time for 'almost-deaf' mother to put a veritable feast of Hot roast chicken and home-made chips (with lashings of soft white bread and butter) in front of me - in the guise of a feast. Actually it was a feast. A very welcome one. Mother may not be able to hear very well or think that clearly - but she cooks a mean chip.

Xmas Eve morning saw the return of the lovely prodigal daughter. It was lovely to see her again...she's so sweet and kind - and we spent most of the afternoon laid on the sofs...snuggling. And laughing. And snuggling...and laughing. Oh yes - and demolishing a huge tin of Quality Street!

Eve evening was spent at Great Aunt's house. My Mum's cousin To be exact. Her brother was there too. He used to be on the telly. He was a comedian. And a singer. This is the second year that we have spent Christmas with him. He loves to entertain. The problem is...he's not very entertaining...but nobody has thought to point this out. Tempted though I was...I managed to refrain. It wasn't too bad if you were wearing ear plugs.

The big day dawned and I got a few gifties. The very best one was from Prodigal daughter - she sponsored the education of a child in Africa for an entire year on my behalf. I cried when I opened the envelope.

Got marched off to the pub by dearest brothers. Just the 3 of us. First time ever. Gin and tonic. Pissed little sister (me).

Lunch was...well Christmas Lunch. Lots of food and sore belly. Can't really say much more than that. Oh yes - what the say about sprouts is true. Excuse me.

Entertaining Uncle kept trying to hold the stage. Aha...because we were prepared and fore-armed...he never really got the chance to get totally into his stride. It was amusing watching him try though. This culminated in him insisting that I Google his name on my I-phone. You couldn't make this stuff up.

The day of the Box was spent a) entertaining the entertaining Uncle who just happened to be passing by (WTF) and decided to drop in for a quick coffee...lasting one and half hours (he fibbed because you can't just 'pass' my Mother's. It's on a cul-de-sac.)

And then I went to Fi's for Boxing Day afternoon party. Turkey and Pork Sandwiches. Pickled Onions...oh yes...an ex-boyfriend from some ten years or more ago - who still thinks that the best thing for me would be to be with him. But only after I've apologised for all I did wrong when we were together...and then promised to change in ways too numerous to mention. Sadly I decided to pass on this....although a more attractive proposition would be hard to find...(wry smile).

Today I have been out with Mother. In the car. I don't think she knows about 4th and 5th gear as we seem to go everywhere in 3rd. Even dual carriageways at speeds of more than 45mph. Yes...really.

This afternoon I have been doing my roots. Looking this good takes work.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with the very divine Mr Bill Rusling. Wonderful friend of great gaiety. I am very much looking forward to that. Later in the week I am having lunch with the wondrous Ms Scott and Ms Ridall. There will be wine. And laughter. And snorting. And then I shall be having fun and frolicks with the awesome Mrs Morris. I can't wait to see her. I loves her...I does.

There will be more frolicks with Mrs Smith...and then I am having tea with the delightful Briddon family on Friday.

So - all in all - I reckon all of that little lot comes out with a tally of about 11. So - that's how good it was. 11 out of 10.

Merry Fuckwit

Well..it's on its way. Just 7 more sleeps. Bloody Christmas again. I don't like it. I don't like it all. I have just been to the shop and purchased a small box of Quality Street to try and get me in the mood. Result? I feel sick and still don't like Christmas.

Because I have no splash cash...I have bought no presents. I told my family this a month ago. I asked them not to buy me anything - and the money that they would have spent....give it to a charity. Did they listen? Nah. So now on Xmas day I will have to be the receiver of gifts with nothing with which to reciprocate. Cue - embarrassment - cue shame - cue self-loathing. My dear brother just rang and asked me what I would like if I were to get something. I said I didn't want anything - and he said 'I know...but if you did'......doh.

In other news....the lake is freezing. Not literally...it's still a relatively balmy 5 degrees in there - but if you factor in how much quicker water conducts heat than air (about 20 x) you can see why I get so flipping frozen. Luckily training dives only have to be 20 minutes duration...and I'm telling you...if we get to 20.01...we've failed!!!! The divemasters and shop staff are primed to be waiting on the jetty with lashings of hot chocolate. I'm having brandy in mine this week.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am teaching a dry suit course...in order to gain my dry suit teaching qualification. So today I am studying 'performance requirements' a la PADI.

It's a bit dull, and a bit dry, and a huge tome...but we've made notes....and we'll be okay.

My other bro is all lined up to come and fetch me next Friday and return me to the bosom of my family for Xmas. It will be lovely. Oh yes it will. Please remember that apart from our Dan I will be the youngest person round the table. That's going to be a laugh a minute - isn't it? Combined age for 7 people?...a massive 394 years.

Merry Christmas everybody x

Awarded!

Today I have been given an award. What for? I hear you ask. For being amazing? witty? sexy? accomplished? a great diving instructor?...no! Although all of these things are worthy of note (harrumph). No..I have been given a lovely award for this blog! From a lovely lady and dear friend. She likes to read my adventures. Apparently she enjoys them. She has great taste and is very good at appreciating the finer things in life!

In the true spirit of the award...I now have to give the award to five other blogs worthy of note. So here are my nominations.

I married a Shaman - wonderful musings from a lovely artistic soul

Fantastic Reads - Thoughts about books (and other stuff) from the most well read person I know

Briddon - The thoughts of dearest Christian.

Blonde Ramblings! - wonderful and witty, sharp and daring. The lovely Claire bites back

Does this stroller may me look gay? - the journey of two husbands and their little family

Take a look at these blogs - they are worthy of note!

That's all :)

Teaching fail.....

Tonight I have taught my very first solo open water student. Here at Gildy we do a thing called 'Team Teaching'...which means that when you first qualify you teach alongside a more experienced instructor for a couple of months. This is only for the Open Water students...regular readers will know that I have solo-taught 'Seal Team' (kiddies) before.

Tonight was dreadful. My student was very nervous and kept wanting to go to the surface. We only have two hours of pool time on a Friday night - so we have to get a lot done in a short time.

The more she stressed...the more I was worried about the time - and because of my in-experience I wasn't able to get her over her hurdles as well or as quickly as another more experienced tutor may have done.

At nine o clock when our pool time ended I had only got through one and half lessons - instead of the three that I had targeted. Ooops -

She's coming back on Monday for her academics...I hope that goes a bit better :)

My tummy is like a ........

...bowling ball. I is fat. I is huge around the midriff. I haven't been this rotund since I was waiting for the nipper's arrival some 23 years ago. I am ashamed and disgruntled with myself. But it's soooo not my fault. I am passing the buck and placing the blame for my largeness squarely at Pauline's door.

Who the 'eck is Pauline? Well Pauline is the owner of the dive centre where I stay (and teach...sometimes). She is an excellent cook. None of this fancy haute cuisine nonsense...'A little jus madam?'...oh no Pauline is old school. She cooks proper dinners. With vegetables and three lots of spuds and hot gravy and puddings with custard and stuff. I know that your mouth is watering as you read this. I JUST KNOW IT.

Put this together with the fact the weather is colder than a witch's tit and you will understand when I tell you that when Pauline puts my dinner in front of me every night (tonight it was homemade fish pie...with loads of cheesy mash potato...followed by Bread and Butter pudding with hot creamy custard) I simply couldn't leave anything on my plate. I just couldn't. The food mesmerises me and it tastes ...oh...so....good. For lunch we had Jacket spuds with thick homemade chicken stew...and earlier I had a large (oink) bacon buttie. I reckon that's about 4,000 calories for the day. Which is way more than I need. I usually live on ten cups of coffee per day...about 15 fags...and then a bit of something for my tea. Average intake about 1,000 calories and 75 mg of nicotine and caffeine. (Wired? Moi? Mais non)

My little tummy has grown about 4 inches and really does resemble a bowling ball. I have always prided myself in having no discernable tummy as such. It's always been quite flat (apart from when I was growing a baby of course...then it was huge ...like a Zeppelin with extra air)..but five days after said bambino was pushed out - my lovely flat tummy was ...well...flat again.

The feeding by Pauline will stop on Sunday ( we have people here on a residential course at the moment and they leave on Sunday...she cooks for me because she says it's easy enough to add one more to the table) and although I will miss it - I need to get back to living on dust and the odd Cadbury's Flake - because at this rate I will soon Pop. I mean it. I will. And then there'll be a terrible mess to clean up and everything.

Luckily I wear sports clothes during the day. Sports clothes tend to have elasticated waists (me not stupid)...but I honestly don't think I could get anything else on right now.

I have turned into my nemesis...Billy Bunter.

Buy this book....

The other day I treated myself to an e-book reader. Not - I hasten to say a 'Kindle' (other e book readers are available)...but no...a 'Kobo' which is WH Smith's version of the same thing. I read lots of books and seeing as I think they're rather expensive....downloading them as and when I want something new to read - for about half the price - appealed to my thrifty nature.

The first book I purchased (for the princely sum of £2.99) was the one shown above. I may be wrong - but I think it's only available as a download.

I am so glad I did. It is hilarious. When reading this book - every five minutes or so - I have to put my Kobo down (doesn't that sound like a peculiar activity??? "I won't be a minute dear...I'm just putting my Kobo down...")...and laugh out loud.

It's a book that started as a blog (now there's a good enough reason to like it) and it tells the story of a very ugly man trying to find love. He has an alcoholic hapless friend who helps him...and the results are gut wrenchingly painful and poignant and very very funny.

I love this book. It's well worth reading. Honestly :)

Lovely weekend xxxx

Oh Hello....still there then? I bet you thought I'd gone off somewhere - it's been ages. Anyway I'm here now and awfully sorry for going 'off-air' for a while....

So..what have I been up to? Not a lot to be honest. Plenty of complaining about the cold...especially seeing as the water here is getting more 'a la frigidaire' by the day. I honestly don't know how I'll cope in December and January...I'm getting a wee bit old to be chucking my body in freezing cold H2O and expecting to come up smiling...

This weekend has been lovely. I had the weekend off (!) and travelled by train back down to Surrey. I went to stay with a lovely friend and her lovely family. And she's got lovely beds. I mean...really lovely. The beds in her house actually 'hug' you when you get in! The quilt was like a proper cloud. Honestly! It was fab! I haven't slept so well for ages.

We had a night out in Esher on Friday....and then last night she cooked a lovely supper and we watched 'Strictly'...and that's a first for me this year.

I've known this friend for about 23 years and we share family members (which is truly lovely)...we also share our birthday...and in lots of ways we're quite alike. She 'gets' me - probably because she's known me for so long...and I think I get her.

When somebody 'gets' you...life is so much easier because you don't have to pretend - you can just be yourself straight away...and that's very relaxing. She always welcomes me with open arms and her home is always full of love and massively welcoming.

I won't leave it so long next time......