Wednesday 9 November 2011

My tummy is like a ........

...bowling ball. I is fat. I is huge around the midriff. I haven't been this rotund since I was waiting for the nipper's arrival some 23 years ago. I am ashamed and disgruntled with myself. But it's soooo not my fault. I am passing the buck and placing the blame for my largeness squarely at Pauline's door.

Who the 'eck is Pauline? Well Pauline is the owner of the dive centre where I stay (and teach...sometimes). She is an excellent cook. None of this fancy haute cuisine nonsense...'A little jus madam?'...oh no Pauline is old school. She cooks proper dinners. With vegetables and three lots of spuds and hot gravy and puddings with custard and stuff. I know that your mouth is watering as you read this. I JUST KNOW IT.

Put this together with the fact the weather is colder than a witch's tit and you will understand when I tell you that when Pauline puts my dinner in front of me every night (tonight it was homemade fish pie...with loads of cheesy mash potato...followed by Bread and Butter pudding with hot creamy custard) I simply couldn't leave anything on my plate. I just couldn't. The food mesmerises me and it tastes For lunch we had Jacket spuds with thick homemade chicken stew...and earlier I had a large (oink) bacon buttie. I reckon that's about 4,000 calories for the day. Which is way more than I need. I usually live on ten cups of coffee per day...about 15 fags...and then a bit of something for my tea. Average intake about 1,000 calories and 75 mg of nicotine and caffeine. (Wired? Moi? Mais non)

My little tummy has grown about 4 inches and really does resemble a bowling ball. I have always prided myself in having no discernable tummy as such. It's always been quite flat (apart from when I was growing a baby of course...then it was huge a Zeppelin with extra air)..but five days after said bambino was pushed out - my lovely flat tummy was ...well...flat again.

The feeding by Pauline will stop on Sunday ( we have people here on a residential course at the moment and they leave on Sunday...she cooks for me because she says it's easy enough to add one more to the table) and although I will miss it - I need to get back to living on dust and the odd Cadbury's Flake - because at this rate I will soon Pop. I mean it. I will. And then there'll be a terrible mess to clean up and everything.

Luckily I wear sports clothes during the day. Sports clothes tend to have elasticated waists (me not stupid)...but I honestly don't think I could get anything else on right now.

I have turned into my nemesis...Billy Bunter.

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