Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Smell burning?

I was thinking (can anybody smell burning?) about all kinds of stuff last night. About my Dad, obviously and about me and who I am and what I do and how I am and who I love and all that kind of gooky stuff. I suppose a parent's death will do that for you (You'd be a bit of a cold fish if it didn't...right?)

Anyway...I have wonderful folks around me..I am loved by a few very good people who make the world better and am liked (I think) by a few more. Not that many - but more than enough. I am blessed. I have the most wonderful daughter who is just lovely in every way. I've had my share of fun, and my share of disasters along the way. I have an awesome Mum and two very very lovely brothers.

We all take after our parents in little ways (nature or nurture?) and I have some of my Mum's character, and quite a lot of my Dad's. Because of who he was - I didn't really like myself when I recognised some of my father's characteristics in me. My Dad wasn't a bad person but...like many of his generation he was fixed in his ways and could never admit wrong and therefore take steps to improve or even apologise when he made mistakes. I think he was quite an angry person and he was controlling and a little bit dictatorial. You could have any kind of deep or meaningful conversation (you know...one of those where all participants gain something and nobody has to 'win') because he just didn't know how. He was, in turn, very much like his own father (who - incidentally he didn't understand or like very much...funny? eh?)

I was laid in bed last night thinking about him and his death and then I just felt a big kind of sense of relief - it was as if all the things about myself that are like he was...all the things that I don't like...just lifted away. It was as if I don't have to be like him anymore..because he's no longer here. As if those parts of me that were most like him had died with him.

I have no idea what this all means..or of it's true...or if it's all just the over-thinking of some 40+ mad batty middle aged woman late at night...who knows?

I suppose I felt a kind of peace. Now that can't be quite right..can it? or can it?


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